Dark Night Demands: Pressures and Misunderstandings about the Dark Side

I am very good at understanding where my emotional baggage comes from. I'm pretty darned good at figuring out where others' emotional triggers stem from as well. This is a handy little talent that I use to help myself and others work through their Dark Side stuff, the messy, muddy junk we need to face, deal with, or even just acknowledge in order to move forward to become the best version of ourselves we can be.

That's the whole goal - the best version of myself. I've been doing this on and off (more on than off) for 20 years, consciously. I'm not exactly a slouch, but I'm also the first to admit that this is not a destination goal. This is about a journey of constant self-improvement.

And sometimes, there's pain. Sometimes there's heartache. Sometimes, on this journey, you stub your toe, or get a cramp, or strain a muscle. Sometimes, you sit down and have a cry.

When this happens to me, my husband annoys me. Don't get me wrong - he thinks I'm awesome and sexy, always right and pretty darn perfect. He's great 99% of the time, but he always asks me why I feel the way I feel.

I'm sure you are asking "geez, why would that be a problem?" And you have a bit of a point, but the issue is that there are assumptions about that question.

Me: I just feel really down and kinda like crap.
Hubby: *fully aware of all issues due to financial stress, extended family drama, whiny children, having major deadlines coming up, etc* Why do you feel like that?
Me: *shooting him an are-you-kidding-me look* Just... never mind.

See, the problem there isn't that there isn't an answer, or I don't want to face the answer, or any of the usual traps in working with the Dark Side. The problem is that the answer is a million straws on this camel's back. And none of those straws is a problem that can or even should be given that kind of focus. In fact, they are all being addressed as they can be.

The problem is, there's a kind of taboo on letting oneself feel cumulatively crappy. Feeling bad is only as valuable as letting you know what to fix (or letting hubby know what to fix for me). And that is a problem.

I can deal with the individual issues, just like I can carry several boxes at once. If I pause to catch my breath and let a frown show on my face because the boxes' edges are cutting into my hands, there's a certain understanding. That stuff is heavy and things can suck without being deal breakers. Sometimes you just cuss a bit while suffering through it.

We don't give ourselves permission to do that, emotionally. If I feel overwhelmed, I need to change something. If I feel depressed about money, I should get another job (or cut back on my imaginary daily coffee at Starbucks). If I'm a little depressed from the stress of constantly reassessing my ever-changing schedule due to adding deadlines, running errands, or dealing with kids, than I need to scrape my plate clean.

The problem with that is, I don't need to change something. I don't need to get another job. I don't need to scrape my plate (except for after supper). I am dealing with my life. I'm just stopping to readjust the boxes. It doesn't mean I should leave my things by the side of the road rather than keep carrying them.

Those kinds of black-and-white, hyperbolic solutions are a huge problem in the spiritual community. And it's completely unrealistic.

• If you don't love it, throw it out. - Ha! Buh-bye taxes! Sorry, IRS, I just didn't "love" doing that kind of paperwork.
• Anger is a hot coal that burns you not the other person. - I will not apologize when someone tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about because I'm a woman under the age of 60 (as if those people give 60+ women respect either) and I get steamed because of it. ANGER IS A SIGN OF A BOUNDARY BEING VIOLATED, NOT A FLAW!
• Think happy, be happy - Think rich, be rich. Think healthy, be healthy. All those "if you think it, you will be it" things are only 15% correct. Yes, there's something to be said for taking a breath and faking confidence until you feel it, or singing upbeat songs to lift your mood. HOWEVER, it is sold as a panacea for all your ills and neither your landlord nor fibromyalgia gives two brown logs about your happy thoughts.

Interestingly, science actually supports the idea that we should give some vent to the minor frustrations in life. Pain is reduced when you cuss, as anyone who stubs their toe on that stupid coffee table knows. Naturally, there is a difference between letting yourself sit down and feel/experience the crap that you feel, and wallowing in negativity.

So the answer is, I just feel like crap, sometimes. And that should be enough.