Secrets and Sorrows

Like most people, I have secrets, things I don't tell others, things about myself, my motives and madness. These are things that I don't talk about, but I'm lucky. I do a lot of introspection & self-analysis, perhaps more then most in Western society. I keep secrets from others, but not myself.

And now I'm sharing some of them here.

1. I'm often afraid that people don't like me. In fact, I'm more often convinced they don't then that they do like me.
2. I go through periods of time where I am deeply ashamed of things that make me "not mainstream."
3. I often wonder if I'm not just crazy when I do spell casting, energy work, or divination. 
4. I sometimes think I am a legitimately horrible person. This is especially when I've been hurt/betrayed, and especially ironic because people often tell me I'm one of the nicest, most honest people they've known.
   
5. I sometimes remember and fret over past transgressions - that I have done to others. It can be as simple as accidentally cutting someone off in traffic.
6. I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes, and most people can't tell the difference between those times and the times when I totally know what I'm doing. Occasionally, I use that to my advantage, such as it is.
7. I'm pretty sure I'm messing up my kids. I try, but I often feel like I'm just never going to be good at being a parent. And if you say I am a good parent, I immediately think of at least ten examples of why you are wrong, but you will never know about them.
8. I'm also pretty sure I suck at being a daughter and sister. I just can't go all in like my family seems to expect. I don't have enough for that. It makes me sad.
9. Sometimes I hate my life. I have things I regret not doing, including being the good Midwest Catholic girl I was supposed to be. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed with what's his name from the Christian group instead of dating the evil ex who tried to convince me he'd sold my soul to a demon.
10. I have had some weird things happen to me. I know I come across as a normal person with a normal background, but I've had psychologists in shock over some of the things that have happened to me.
11. I actually don't start much drama in my life. Instead, I seem to be a kind of energetic catalyst. Once I show up, things start to change. I swear, I was just sitting there playing solitaire.
12. I've never practiced my energy work. I've never "worked up" to a skill in energy work. I decide to try things and, most of the time, I just manage to do them. I usually tweak some things to fine-tune the process, then I move on. So, no, I don't know how to show you how to do that.
    
13. I feel sad sometimes, about what people are doing to each other. Not anyone specific, necessarily. Just in general. It feels like disappointment, like being let down. It started when I was in high school.
14. I once was a cutter. I was also thought to be bipolar. Most people thought I would end up self-medicating when I was in my very early 20s.
15. I don't like pot or alcohol. I have enough trouble keeping my head on straight, and those substances knock me askew. However, I don't judge people who do enjoy it.
16. My greatest desire is to have someone else be in charge. Unfortunately, I am often put in charge because I am really quite good at it. But I hate it. But I also have a strong sense of responsibility. I hate that, too.
17. I feel really self-conscious about how people might read this post. Will I be seen as egotistical? Narcissistic? Whiny? I don't know. I should go hyperventilate now.

Feel free to share your secrets in the comments, or message me. No judgment, I promise. Pinky swear.