The Self-Satisfaction of Social Failure

Nothing feels quite as good as doing good. And we love to see the stories of good-doing on social media. But these feel-good stories have a darker side to them.

Cop with Cancer Refuses to Stop Working; Dozens Donate their Sick Days
Radio Station Buys and Forgives Medical Debt
Cop Buys Interview Outfit Shoplifter Tried to Steal
Cop Buys Groceries for Hungry Shoplifter

People raising money for a family who lost their home. People raising money to help someone with medical bills. People doing good things for people... who should never be in need in the first place.

There is something to be said for going out of your way to help people. But there is more to be said for a society that allows so many to be in distress in the first place, particularly when it is stuff that isn't really their fault.

If someone's house burns down due to a forest fire, if a person gets cancer or heart disease, this does not mean they somehow deserve their situation. We are really good at looking at this people as somehow causing their own problems when it comes to making policy and creating social structures, but they are unfortunate victims when we can participate in saving them.

And that's the problem. We have created a society where it is encouraged to be charitable, but shameful to need charity. We have created a situation where our system makes victims for us to help and save. Just hope you don't end up as one of them, which is far more about luck than effort.

I have spoken before about Hospitality from a Heathen perspective, and I feel that it is as much a value to our social interactions to give others the opportunity to be charitable as it is to be charitable.

First, we need to get past, as a society, this self-congratulating perception we have of "help" and "charity". While heroes are nice, wouldn't it be better to create a world with less need for heroes?

But I Just Want to Help: The Myths of Being Charitable

Helpful actions

I was reading an article online awhile ago, and something that they said resounded with me. They were talking about ways in which people try to help, but actually make things worse.

I thought to myself, 'self... how many times have we bemoaned the useless "help" that so many try to provide? how many times have we wanted to explain to people that if they would just think a few minutes past the immediate self-congratulatory feeling they were after, they would realize they aren't doing me any favors?'. Of course, myself agreed completely.

Ok, you got 2 second to get your ass across that street...
Then it's pancake time!

It started in college (well, that was the first time I articulated the feeling) when I had to cross three lanes of one-way traffic to get from my dorm to the classes I was taking. Every other day, some idjit with good intentions (road to HELL, remember?) would stop in the middle of the road to allow me to cross. Of course, with only one lane stopped, it didn't help. And the stopped car actually made it worse because the cars behind this well-intentioned dumbass would go around.

Look for the break in traffic... Wait for it... Wait for it...

This meant that a situation that would be resolved by normal traffic flow and periodic stoplights up the road, now had a frickin' beaver dam clogging things up. So, rocks-for-brains would stop, wait about 15-30 seconds (just long enough to create a clogged up traffic situation) and then keep going.

Sometimes I would attempt to wave this stupid-but-nice person along, hoping to avoid the auto flow choke, but half the time they would ignore or insistently gesture me across the street, never realizing that should I do that, I would DIE by the oncoming traffic in the other two lanes. Maybe they weren't trying to be nice. Maybe they were trying to kill me!

Anyways, the point of this is that steady and smooth flow of traffic is much more important than the empty, useless gesture of stopping in the middle of the road.

A good deed in theory...

Oh, and sometimes, if you* stop and look around, you might realize that the "nice" or "polite" gesture that you were making in a moment of superficial altruism, really wasn't at all helpful. And instead of getting pissy because no one is accepting your offer or thanking you for your effort, maybe you should think a little more carefully about your "nice", "polite" gesture - and do something ACTUALLY HELPFUL. Just sayin'.
*This is meant to be "you" the general populace, not "you" the reader necessarily.

And this advice is, by no means, meant to be limited to only traffic situations, or holding doors (which, btw, is almost ALWAYS helpful - I'm talking to YOU, idiot who always drops the door on me when my hands are full). THINK about what you are doing... not just the joy you will feel knowing that someone will "owe you one," or feel "so incredibly grateful" for your Mother-Teresa-like generosity. Because that isn't why you should do nice things anyways.

"Random" doesn't mean "head up butt"

You should do it because you can see how what you do will actually help the person. And if you don't think further than the next few seconds, and look at how your actions will effect others (not just you and the lucky recipient of your gift of niceness), then you aren't actually doing something NICE.

A little forethought is always the best gift to give.
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FYI, here are some people who agree:
When Lending a Hand Isn’t Helpful
Helicopter Parenting
The right thing to do
Disadvantages of being nice