38 Things I've Learned/Accomplished in 38 Years

I recently saw a post where someone who turned 40 posted 40 things they were determined to do. I like the idea, but I decided to turn it on its head.

As I am 38, nearing 39, I am going to list 38 things I've learned in or done with my life. Enjoy!!

1. I wrote and published a fiction novel. This is a big one for me. I've wanted this since I was in single digits, and that want has never gone away. Finally, I had the courage, support and time - and I did it!
   
2. I found the person who loves and supports me, and who I love and support. I honestly had my doubts that this one could ever happen, but it did. And I'm thrilled that I was strong enough to wait for him, AND strong enough to let him into my life.
3. I won NaNoWriMo. I won. TWICE! I got the certificate, I have the t-shirt. I wrote 50k+ words in one month. They were pretty good words, too! I'm gonna do it again next year!
4. I learned how to bake. I can make bread, soft pretzels, biscuits, and much more in a few minutes to a few days. And they are so much better than the store-bought stuff. I'm even teaching my kids to bake.
5. I prioritized what was important to ME. Yes, I still take care of a goodly portion of household and childcare stuff. But my desires are right up there with those of the rest of my family. I have learned how to weave the needs of my kids, my hubby and myself to make all of us important. Please note that prioritizing doesn't always mean "top priority" either.
6. I got laid off - and it wasn't the end of the world. Don't get me wrong. It was scary, and it was hard, but it didn't break me or my family. We had to make a lot of sacrifices (we still do), but we now know that we CAN do this.
7. I learned to be a barista. It's an interesting job, and more complicated than I think a lot of people realize. In many ways, I enjoyed doing it.
8. I figured out how to plot a novel. I have ideas. Tons of ideas. And many of them are good ideas. But there is a difference between having a good idea and having a good story. A good idea can never replace a good story, so learning to plot a full-length, entertaining story was pretty important if I was to become an author.
9. I became a podcaster. Seven years and counting with a weekly show (we've only missed a few), my friend and I have become a bit of a name (not huge, just a bit... :) ) in the Pagan community for our Pagan-Musings Podcast, with over 1000 listens each week. Yay!
10. I learned how to plan for travel. Researching hotels, making reservations, taking taxis - for a small town woman, I've gotten very good at getting my family a decent place to stay when we are out of town. And, most importantly, I know what is worth paying for and what isn't.
    
11. I figured out how to be by myself. Not just for an afternoon or a day. For weeks at a time. For a year. I lived alone in place pretty isolated from my friends and family. I spent weeks at a time with no discussions outside of work and errands. And I was okay. I'm pretty interesting, you know.
12. I became a speaker/workshop presenter. I have a long history of stage-fright and nerves, so taking an opportunity to speak in front of a group of strangers was a pretty big step. Plus, I had to learn how to set up a workshop so that it would be entertaining for those attending.
13. I learned to budget. And not just a basic money-in, money-out thing. I taught myself how to plan and manage my money to an astonishing degree. And I did it with nothing more than some online articles, wikipedia (to check out definitions and legal stuff), and a 10-year old excel program.
14. I got 1000 followers on Twitter. More importantly, I've stayed at around 1000 followers on Twitter for several months. No mass exodus from my Twitter feed. Yay!
15. I realized I could trust myself. I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty darn good at being a decent person, mother, friend. Instead of constantly berating myself for the little mistakes, I look at them, learn from them, and move on.
16. I quit my job. I've never quit a job before unless you count the time I rage-quit a micro-managing, spaz boss who had to hire three people to replace me. But I quit. Not because I was breaking down. Not because I got fired. Because I had something better to do, and I had the means to do so.
    
17. I rebuilt my credit. Not even two years ago, my credit was in the mid 500s. Now, I have "fair/good" credit. I got a credit card, paid off all my bills, and I micromanage my various accounts at least once a week. I've caught bogus charges, errors, and my own oopsies along the way, but I finally did it. After 20 years of crappy credit, I could actually get a loan - not that I need one.
18. I taught myself marketing. I've always been interested in it, and it's something that I understand and pick up easily. But I managed to do it well enough to get two jobs based on my marketing experience. And I'm now leveraging that towards my books!
19. I taught myself how to convert files. This is very handy in the marketing stuff, so I can give people the file type they need for reviews or giveaways without it costing me even more.
20. I learned I can trust people. Now, there's a secret to this. I trust people to be who they are. That means, I trust people who have let me down to not always be there for me. So I don't count on them like I otherwise would. I trust people who don't pay me back in a timely manner to not pay me back. I count the loan as a loss, and repayment as a bonus. I KNOW what I'm getting into with each person. I trust them to be who they are.
    
21. I learned about diets and nutrition, and my own eating needs. I know what I require and I know how diets will affect me - and if they will work. I know what staves off the hanger and what satisfies the cravings.
22. I own property. Yeah, it was mostly a gift from my parents, but it took nearly three years of renting and not skipping out on them before that happened. I like to think that, in some ways, I earned the gift.
23. I became a name. I'm not very well known by most. I'm not a celebrity or a superstar, but in some circles, I am a public figure now. Holy crap! I have a reputation and an obligation to my fans and followers (and it's more than just family now!!). How odd!
24. I learned how to cook from scratch. Not just a little bit, either. Everything from scratch. Some of it wasn't worth the time to do on a regular basis, but we kept many of the recipes we learned, such as making sloppy joes without the canned stuff.
25. I became an activist. I didn't mean to. That is, I didn't set out to become a SJW (social justice warrior). I just listened to people talk about the discrimination that affected them and those around them, and I read about the social constructs and systems that supported racism and sexism, etc. Then, I started talking to people about it. Then, I started calling people out for doing things that were hurtful. Then, I was engaging in full-blown FB debates. And, it's true, you can never shut your eyes to the hate and hurt once you've seen it.
26. I learned what my drinking style is. I am an occasional drinker and a lightweight. I cannot binge drink. I don't enjoy drinking to get drunk. I like sweet and fruity drinks, and mead. This helped me become confident in how I approach parties and gatherings. I no longer feel the need to live up to other people's expectations of how I should "enjoy myself".
    
27. I have birthed and raised children. They are even doing well, if I do say so. I never thought I'd be a mother-type, and I'm not really the soft nurturing kind of mom. I'm more of a force of nature mom who teaches the kids how to make it or break it - literally.
28. I learned to trust my instincts. People and situations aren't always what they seem. I've learned to trust my gut as to whether or not I am safe or even in the best place for me. I seem to be pretty good at it, too.
29. I worked as a cook. It was a specific situation and a bit unusual for a cook, but I made meals from scratch for several dozen people at a time. I learned how to plan my time and efforts in order to make good food, that looked good, that had to "hold" for an entire lunch period. It's not as easy as it looks.
30. I held a book release. Yeah, it was a FB event, but I'd never done anything like that before. Considering my inexperience, I think it went rather well. I look forward to using the tricks I've picked up since to make the next one even better!
31. I embraced myself as an introvert. I let go of all the shame and guilt of not wanting to be involved with people all the time. I have my hubby, who I do enjoy being around, and I seldom want any other company. And that's okay. I interact on social media when I want to, but I spend days without going farther than my own yard. That's how I like it.

    

    This awesome pic is by the talented
    illustrator Sam Flegal. See his work here:
    http://www.samflegal.com/

32. I learned about Norse mythology - way more than I ever thought I would be interested in learning, and I liked it. I even used some of the myths as a basis for the overarching plot for my series.
33. I made a decision regarding the importance of historical accuracy in my religious beliefs. Sorry, recons. I don't think it's that important. Knowing about the history is a great thing. Adhering to it exclusively, however, is static and unrealistic. Religion grows with humankind, and that's a very good thing. Holding on to the past with a vengeance is extremism in religion AND politics.
34. I learned to communicate my feelings. This was hard. It's difficult to explain that my parents didn't make me feel safe expressing myself. It wasn't violent. It was nitpicky. It was criticizing. And I spent 30 years being careful about how I let myself feel. I wasn't very good at it, being a very passionate (and tempermental) woman. Now, I'm learning how to talk about not just my feelings, but about unpacking the social aspects of them. Still hard. Totally worth it.
35. I taught myself how to read contracts. It takes lots of research to do that. I'm lucky - I seem to have a natural understanding of legal jargon. I'm good enough at it that I've been paid for writing basic contracts for others!
36. I learned Astrological interpretations. Yeah, I can analyze a birth chart and show how the different planets/signs interact with each other. I'm pretty good at it, too.
37. I learned how to manage a house. Chore lists, grocery lists, budget lists, calendars - four people makes for lots of work, but we rock it... most days.
38. My give-a-damn broke. Somewhere along the way, I stopped making what other people thought of me the important thing. Yeah, I still take it into consideration, but I don't let it rule my life, my behavior, my beliefs. Instead, I have faith in my own values, and I listen to the voices and opinions of my hubby and kids first and foremost. Those random people don't get to influence me - they don't know me, they don't love me, they don't have me as a priority. So why should I make them a priority?

Summary of a Workshop: Negative Emotions on a Spiritual Path

Many times, we get the message that being on a spiritual path means you can't have anger, depression, anxiety, or fear.  Instead, we are told to quickly get rid of such emotions and replace them with something more akin to love.  But is that really the case?  Is that healthy?

We will be discussing the place that negative emotions have even at higher spiritual levels, and how to know when it's time to embrace negativity as a part of continued spiritual growth.

No matter how much we embrace our religious or spiritual beliefs, we are still just people living in the real world. We like to post memes that quote the Buddha: "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger."

We talk about the destructiveness of being a hater, of judging others, of not being "grateful", of not holding enough love. We talk about hate and fear as the opposites of love, as though they are the corruption within us. As though "allowing" ourselves to feel these emotions is a failure.

What kinds of messages have you heard? What do those messages mean to you?

Tell that to people living in fear...

Many people, in normal everyday lives, look at these and see a message of hope. But others see those ways of looking at emotions as being accusatory, a symptom of denial, and - yes - privileged.

How might those messages be hurtful for people in different circumstances?

We should be "rising above" such negativity. If we are still feeling hate and anger, we aren't as spiritual as we should be. How do those sound to people with mental illness, chronic pain, chronic poverty, or in an environment of oppression?

What do those two ways of looking at emotions have in common? They assume that emotions are controlled by and a symptom of the person feeling them. This perspective has several problems.

The first problem is that this ignores the legitimacy of those emotions. Spiritual growth is about understanding who you are, accepting the flaws of human incarnation, and living a life complete with suffering and hard knocks. In many ways, a spiritual path is less about who you should be and more about who you really are, stripped of the illusions of culture and expectation.

There is a brutal honesty inherent in that. We are supposed to accept that we are clumsy, but not the angry reaction we have when we stub our toe? We are supposed to accept the complications of relationships, but not the heartbreak that comes with that?

Where is the line of what we are allowed to feel? Who gets to decide if our emotions are valid enough to acknowledge?

The second problem is that we often choose to suppress our negative emotions. We are supposed to change our sadness into gratitude, or our anger into empathy.

First of all, that doesn't work. You can fake it for a while, but those emotions will show themselves eventually. Bitterness, passive-aggressive words and actions, sabotage of oneself or others... those are the negativity leaking through. And it's subtle and insidious.

Secondly, it assumes that feeling certain emotions will lead to certain behaviors and mindsets. Anger isn't the problem. Punching a stranger in the face is the problem. Sorrow isn't the problem. Railroading every situation and conversation for the next six months to talk about how your ex was your soulmate and you can't live without him or her - that's the problem.

The third problem is that the mindset that you can just decide not to feel a certain way is extremely contextual and, in many ways, inaccurate.

This means that there are assumptions made about those feelings and the situation that caused them in the very statements that say things like "your anger will hurt you more than it hurts them."

Except, why are you angry? Was someone you care about hurt by someone else? Are you angry over injustice? Those are pretty legitimate reasons to be angry.

You can watch a funny movie after a bad breakup - and you will probably laugh during the movie. You may even feel better about it. But the humor of Hollywood won't take away the knowledge of what has been lost.

Emotions don't happen in a void. You don't just be sad. There is always a reason. People get angry or sad or hurt or possessive for many reasons. The emotions themselves won't change. They can't.

The assumption that we can control and change our emotions is a myth based on the fact that we can temporarily feel differently with certain behaviors. But it is still a myth.

If you feel sad over the death of a loved one, that sadness never goes away. Once you process the grief, your mind can move on. It returns, more often at first, then less as time goes by.

But anyone who has lost someone close will tell you that there is still a pang of grief when you realize it's their birthday, or the anniversary of their death. The emotion never changes, you just don't focus on it as much.

Unless you grieve appropriately, you will still feel it come back at times. Even if you *do* grieve appropriately, you will have feelings returning. Grieving lets you process the situation more deeply, more often. Essentially, you are allowing the focus on that feeling to wear itself out.

But the feeling doesn't go away. It can't. The reason for the feeling is still there.

And therein lies the core of the issue.

We can't control our emotional state because it is an indication of what is happening to us.

"Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change." Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project.

In a healthy, spiritual life, negative emotions are great big indicators or how we are doing. Sadness tells us we've lost something, even if it's just a potential of something. Guilt indicates that we've violated our own code of conduct - it is the emotion of honor. Loneliness indicates we need to establish more meaningful social connections.

Anger, says psychotherapist Robert Augustus Masters in "Spiritual Bypassing", is “the primary emotional state that functions to uphold our boundaries.”

Fear is about acknowledging possible threats, whether physical or emotional. It's okay to understand that there are things that can happen. Dwelling on remote possibilities may not help us, but healthy fear can tell us when there is a real danger.

Jealousy and envy are horribly maligned emotions, but they tell us the most about our spiritual path.
Jealousy tells us what we are most connected to, for better or worse. If we are jealous over a person, we may have an unhealthy connection. Or that person may be a lifeline that provides something we should work on for ourselves.

Envy shows us what our desires are. We become envious of our friend's new job, but that may simply indicate that we would like to find work that is equally fulfilling to us as their job is to them. We become envious of a new relationship, but we don't necessarily want the person they have - rather we desire the support and connection they seem to have with them.

The best way we can progress on our spiritual path is to receive all of the messages that we are sent. We acknowledge "signs" and "omens", and interpret dreams, but we ignore the powerful, motivating force of what our negative emotions are telling us. They may be the best insight we will ever have, so don't suppress them. Let them tell you what's going on.

Summary of a Workshop: Embracing the Dark

 I gave a workshop (three actually) at the 2015 Heartland Pagan Festival. It was a great experience (check out my friend, Molly's blog here) and eye-opening in many ways. I formatted my workshops as discussions (yes, all of them), and each of them went in a different direction than I had predicted. But it was wonderful!

I am attempting here to summarize, with a bit of additional commentary, what the discussion ended up being for my workshop: Embracing the Dark

The Dark

Close your eyes and picture yourself in a bright, sunny place. See the brightness around you.

Now turn around in your mind. You now find yourself in a dark place. There is just enough light to see shapes, but otherwise it is dark.

Think about the differences in how you felt about each location. Think about the emotions and the level of comfort in each place. Most people see the dark as restful, while the light is energetic. Fear or concern is also common in the dark place.

Most people know about sun-bleaching, where you leave something in the sun and the color fades out of it. The reason this happens is because the sunlight actually destroys compounds and sterilizes. On the other hand, life thrives in darkness, even if that life is gooy and icky. Photosynthesis is a balance of using radiant energy without being destroyed by it. Skin color is a protection from light.

This doesn't mean that light is bad, any more than dark is bad. Our defense against light provides us with nutrients. Light allows us to see and sunlight provides food and warmth so that we can function during the day in ways we can't at night. But the night provides many opportunities for us to challenge ourselves and grow.

And the night isn't just the time when the sun goes down. Think about times in your life when you've been sad or stressed. Do your memories change with those moods? Mine do. I have periods of time in my life when I've been unhappy, or just passively going through my life. One of those times, I was pregnant and just getting the stuff done that needed done. Memories of those times have very little light. I think that reflects the darkness and restfulness of that time.

Nighttime is often where we have huddled together against the animals and elements that would do us harm. More important types of questing, such as rites of adulthood, have often involved being away from the tribe or village overnight. It isn't about proving that you could find food. These quests were usually only a few days long, not long enough to starve. It was about facing the dark

Fear

What is it that the dark holds which challenges us so much that we have used it for proving spiritual and physical maturity?

I think the dark holds fear.

The Dark of the Year holds the fear that we will never see the Spring again. Spring brings food and warmth, the ability to travel with less danger, and even brightness and joy of spirit. The Dark of the Year causes us to constrict and enfold ourselves and our kith and kin into a ball of protection.

In the movie, The Croods, they call it the Family Kill Circle, which they would form if someone even said the word "NEW". They were so afraid of new things, they would try to destroy something new before they could learn about it, but also before it had a chance to kill them.

The Dark Goddesses hold fear, too. Kali, Hel, Tiamet, Baba Yaga, Sheila na Gig - Goddesses of death, destruction, blood, disease and pain. But blood, disease and pain are closely related to death and destruction. And death and destruction are different words for something really new (Family Kill Circle): transformation.

Transformation. That's another thing the dark holds. We just don't like the idea of transformations that are out of our control, which is how all really good transformations work. We don't control the way we transform, how much we transform, or what we transform into. We have to let go and hope that the ooey gooey stuff in the deep dark cave will give us a miraculous new life-form, and isn't going to give us a disease.

Monsters

I call the fears in the dark of my mind my monster. It is the nemesis to my ego's hero, and it knows where the kryptonite is. The green AND the red (for you Superman fans, out there).It can cripple with fear or break with anger, and it doesn't even break a sweat to do it.

There are a lot of common themes in people's monsters, in the things that they fear. One that often trips people up in understanding is the fear of success. Yes, I mean that people are afraid of being successful in something. This fear isn't about the actual success itself. It's about the things that come with having success.

For example, if you successfully pull off a presentation or workshop, you are probably going to be expected to do it again. Just as well. Holy fish sticks, batman, that's a lot of pressure, particularly if you tend to be creatively inspired and pull stuff out of your ass. What if you can't pull anything next time?!?

Or what if you get your book published? And you never get another book or story published EVER?!? The only thing worse than failure is pity for being a one-hit wonder of success. You would be the child star who grew out of their talent. That's a pretty intimidating fear.

I just read an article that beautifully describes the fear of success that I suffer from. The fraud fear. The author says:

"I feel bad about people paying for my work because I think that the people who buy and even those who appreciate my work are somehow being duped. I keep feeling that at some point I am going to be found out to be an imposter.  I feel bad when my work is considered valuable."

 In trying to explain my own feelings of this, I posted this: "I feel this way about writing and workshops. Like suddenly everyone is just gonna turn around and be like "gotcha! your stuff really sucks!" "

I sometimes think he
underestimates the "try".

The thing is, fear of failure makes sense. And it is common to have a fear of failure. But fear of success is just weird, and yet so, so often it goes hand-in-hand with fear of failure. That's why there are so many people who talk about doing, but never do. You have to face down that monster and move past it so that you can even try.
 

Facing the Monster

Probably the most common question I get about facing the monster is "How do you do it?" Unfortunately, there is no template for this. Each person is unique, with unique experiences, perceptions and variations on fears. The form and function of your monster is different from the form and function of mine. The way you handle your monster depends on that, as well as the path that you are on.

The point is that there are so many variables, I could never get it right dealing with someone else's monster. I can only figure out my own. However, I can tell you some ways to prepare for it, and for finding your monster.

First, you have to do the dirty work. Hunt down your flaws, wherever they may be. I started by investigating my natal zodiac and looking at the negative aspects of those signs. I picked them apart until I was sure that I understood each one within my own life... than I went through them again and again. Then I found other things to hint at my flaws: the Meyers-Briggs and other personality tests, workplace evaluations, even minor complaints from friends and family about certain of my actions.

I strove to be radically honest, but not brutally honest; I wasn't trying to judge myself or beat myself up over these things. I wasn't a judicial authority passing a sentence or laying down a conviction. I wasn't even a lawyer, making a case for or against my flaws. I was nothing more than the crime scene investigator, collecting evidence and analyzing it for the data. I made a list. Nothing more.

After a while, I stopped having to fight to see my negatives objectively. I could look at my flaws and say "well, there it is". This took a long time; more that a year.

I think I made
a wrong turn at Albuquerque...

Than, one day, I was meditating. We were supposed to go into a cave and meet someone who would help us learn a lesson, or something like that. I promptly fell into a pitch black abyss and was suddenly being hunted by my monster. Once I realized what it was, the fear left me. I'd gotten used to looking at the evidence of this monster without judgment, to searching for evidence of the monster without flinching. I turned and faced my monster.

Some monsters end up
being these guys...

In a way, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, and yet it wasn't particularly difficult. It was the doing that was hard, not the it. I'm reminded of the movie, Monsters Inc, where the monsters are terrified of touching a child. It's the fears of what could happen that is the problem, not the children themselves.

The hardest part

I wish I could say that I faced my monster, destroyed it and that was the end. But this is not a movie or a quest. This is a journey, and the monster is not the destination. My monster changes and grows, and I face it down every once in a while. This is because I am still living and, to a degree, that means there's always something to fear, negative behaviors to fall back on, stressors that trigger the growth of a head on my monster. But it's never as daunting as it was the first time. Still hard, but not daunting.

I know that it is time to go back when I see my life becoming stagnant. I stop conquering obstacles and start sitting by the wayside. I start behaving in ways that frightens or intimidates people, or I let people walk over my boundaries. I stop being awesome-ish and start being eh-ish.

And that's the point of life, I think. To be more often awesome-ish.