Secrets and Sorrows

Like most people, I have secrets, things I don't tell others, things about myself, my motives and madness. These are things that I don't talk about, but I'm lucky. I do a lot of introspection & self-analysis, perhaps more then most in Western society. I keep secrets from others, but not myself.

And now I'm sharing some of them here.

1. I'm often afraid that people don't like me. In fact, I'm more often convinced they don't then that they do like me.
2. I go through periods of time where I am deeply ashamed of things that make me "not mainstream."
3. I often wonder if I'm not just crazy when I do spell casting, energy work, or divination. 
4. I sometimes think I am a legitimately horrible person. This is especially when I've been hurt/betrayed, and especially ironic because people often tell me I'm one of the nicest, most honest people they've known.
   
5. I sometimes remember and fret over past transgressions - that I have done to others. It can be as simple as accidentally cutting someone off in traffic.
6. I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes, and most people can't tell the difference between those times and the times when I totally know what I'm doing. Occasionally, I use that to my advantage, such as it is.
7. I'm pretty sure I'm messing up my kids. I try, but I often feel like I'm just never going to be good at being a parent. And if you say I am a good parent, I immediately think of at least ten examples of why you are wrong, but you will never know about them.
8. I'm also pretty sure I suck at being a daughter and sister. I just can't go all in like my family seems to expect. I don't have enough for that. It makes me sad.
9. Sometimes I hate my life. I have things I regret not doing, including being the good Midwest Catholic girl I was supposed to be. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed with what's his name from the Christian group instead of dating the evil ex who tried to convince me he'd sold my soul to a demon.
10. I have had some weird things happen to me. I know I come across as a normal person with a normal background, but I've had psychologists in shock over some of the things that have happened to me.
11. I actually don't start much drama in my life. Instead, I seem to be a kind of energetic catalyst. Once I show up, things start to change. I swear, I was just sitting there playing solitaire.
12. I've never practiced my energy work. I've never "worked up" to a skill in energy work. I decide to try things and, most of the time, I just manage to do them. I usually tweak some things to fine-tune the process, then I move on. So, no, I don't know how to show you how to do that.
    
13. I feel sad sometimes, about what people are doing to each other. Not anyone specific, necessarily. Just in general. It feels like disappointment, like being let down. It started when I was in high school.
14. I once was a cutter. I was also thought to be bipolar. Most people thought I would end up self-medicating when I was in my very early 20s.
15. I don't like pot or alcohol. I have enough trouble keeping my head on straight, and those substances knock me askew. However, I don't judge people who do enjoy it.
16. My greatest desire is to have someone else be in charge. Unfortunately, I am often put in charge because I am really quite good at it. But I hate it. But I also have a strong sense of responsibility. I hate that, too.
17. I feel really self-conscious about how people might read this post. Will I be seen as egotistical? Narcissistic? Whiny? I don't know. I should go hyperventilate now.

Feel free to share your secrets in the comments, or message me. No judgment, I promise. Pinky swear.

The Self-Satisfaction of Social Failure

Nothing feels quite as good as doing good. And we love to see the stories of good-doing on social media. But these feel-good stories have a darker side to them.

Cop with Cancer Refuses to Stop Working; Dozens Donate their Sick Days
Radio Station Buys and Forgives Medical Debt
Cop Buys Interview Outfit Shoplifter Tried to Steal
Cop Buys Groceries for Hungry Shoplifter

People raising money for a family who lost their home. People raising money to help someone with medical bills. People doing good things for people... who should never be in need in the first place.

There is something to be said for going out of your way to help people. But there is more to be said for a society that allows so many to be in distress in the first place, particularly when it is stuff that isn't really their fault.

If someone's house burns down due to a forest fire, if a person gets cancer or heart disease, this does not mean they somehow deserve their situation. We are really good at looking at this people as somehow causing their own problems when it comes to making policy and creating social structures, but they are unfortunate victims when we can participate in saving them.

And that's the problem. We have created a society where it is encouraged to be charitable, but shameful to need charity. We have created a situation where our system makes victims for us to help and save. Just hope you don't end up as one of them, which is far more about luck than effort.

I have spoken before about Hospitality from a Heathen perspective, and I feel that it is as much a value to our social interactions to give others the opportunity to be charitable as it is to be charitable.

First, we need to get past, as a society, this self-congratulating perception we have of "help" and "charity". While heroes are nice, wouldn't it be better to create a world with less need for heroes?

My Strong Opinion on Strong Opinions

I've noticed something lately. It may not be a new thing. It may be something that has just only recently crept its way into my consciousness. But I find it annoying.

People like to comment about things. That's great. People have the right to have passions and to express their opinions. Those things together (plus cat pics and the meme of the day) are what social media is all about. More power to you!

What I find annoying is people who have strong opinions about people having strong opinions.

I was listening to the radio today, and the announcer was having a near-aneurysm over the fact that people were upset. The details, though unimportant, are that Nutella changed its recipe and didn't tell anyone. Apparently, the company did research to show that the change wouldn't affect the product in any discernible way, but people still noticed.

Okay, so maybe not something that most people care about. But Nutella fans are PASSIONATE about Nutella. I am not, but I can see why.

Also, if your research says no one will notice, but your customers notice... Well, there seems to be a logical fallacy at work here. Maybe the fallacy of thinking your rabid customer base is the same as a bunch of randos picked up off the street. Just saying...

The point is that this announcer was having a conniption over people complaining about what he called a minute change. He admitted that he, naturally, doesn't have a preference or dislike for the product, but he was certainly going to take 10 minutes out of our day to tell us why having an opinion about this was stupid.

You know what's stupid? Telling people who are passionate about something enough that they have an opinion that their opinions are stupid and useless. Shaming people for liking something enough to notice an undisclosed change. Suggesting that being upset about a favorite food changing is the same as being upset about one of the many political crap-storms that have gone on in the last few years.

Oh, yes, he did. He said "Isn't that what we're supposed to do now? Be upset about stuff?"

Seriously?

I couldn't help but think that this same guy, who I've heard wax passionate about some fantasy football happening or another, would birth an actual cow if his favorite team changed their jerseys to a new color. He would pop a blood vessel in his brain if a sports league decided to change the title of "coach" to, I don't know, "field manager".

To those of us without a passion for sports, those changes would be eye-rolling at best. But when you have a passion for something, the details can and do matter.

My point is, maybe, if you don't have a strong opinion about something going on, you also shouldn't have much to say about people who DO have a strong opinion about it.

And, yes, this applies to the Craft, too.

Just as people shouldn't tell you whether you can be upset about Nutella, or Oreos, or your favorite brand of underwear, no one should tell you how to feel and practice your religious and/or spiritual path. YOU are the one passionate about what you do. You are the one who gets to say what is or is not right for you.

Generally, I think people should keep more of this kind of opinionating for the sake of opinionating in their own heads, or at least on their own porches.