Secrets and Sorrows

Like most people, I have secrets, things I don't tell others, things about myself, my motives and madness. These are things that I don't talk about, but I'm lucky. I do a lot of introspection & self-analysis, perhaps more then most in Western society. I keep secrets from others, but not myself.

And now I'm sharing some of them here.

1. I'm often afraid that people don't like me. In fact, I'm more often convinced they don't then that they do like me.
2. I go through periods of time where I am deeply ashamed of things that make me "not mainstream."
3. I often wonder if I'm not just crazy when I do spell casting, energy work, or divination. 
4. I sometimes think I am a legitimately horrible person. This is especially when I've been hurt/betrayed, and especially ironic because people often tell me I'm one of the nicest, most honest people they've known.
   
5. I sometimes remember and fret over past transgressions - that I have done to others. It can be as simple as accidentally cutting someone off in traffic.
6. I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes, and most people can't tell the difference between those times and the times when I totally know what I'm doing. Occasionally, I use that to my advantage, such as it is.
7. I'm pretty sure I'm messing up my kids. I try, but I often feel like I'm just never going to be good at being a parent. And if you say I am a good parent, I immediately think of at least ten examples of why you are wrong, but you will never know about them.
8. I'm also pretty sure I suck at being a daughter and sister. I just can't go all in like my family seems to expect. I don't have enough for that. It makes me sad.
9. Sometimes I hate my life. I have things I regret not doing, including being the good Midwest Catholic girl I was supposed to be. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stayed with what's his name from the Christian group instead of dating the evil ex who tried to convince me he'd sold my soul to a demon.
10. I have had some weird things happen to me. I know I come across as a normal person with a normal background, but I've had psychologists in shock over some of the things that have happened to me.
11. I actually don't start much drama in my life. Instead, I seem to be a kind of energetic catalyst. Once I show up, things start to change. I swear, I was just sitting there playing solitaire.
12. I've never practiced my energy work. I've never "worked up" to a skill in energy work. I decide to try things and, most of the time, I just manage to do them. I usually tweak some things to fine-tune the process, then I move on. So, no, I don't know how to show you how to do that.
    
13. I feel sad sometimes, about what people are doing to each other. Not anyone specific, necessarily. Just in general. It feels like disappointment, like being let down. It started when I was in high school.
14. I once was a cutter. I was also thought to be bipolar. Most people thought I would end up self-medicating when I was in my very early 20s.
15. I don't like pot or alcohol. I have enough trouble keeping my head on straight, and those substances knock me askew. However, I don't judge people who do enjoy it.
16. My greatest desire is to have someone else be in charge. Unfortunately, I am often put in charge because I am really quite good at it. But I hate it. But I also have a strong sense of responsibility. I hate that, too.
17. I feel really self-conscious about how people might read this post. Will I be seen as egotistical? Narcissistic? Whiny? I don't know. I should go hyperventilate now.

Feel free to share your secrets in the comments, or message me. No judgment, I promise. Pinky swear.

The Dark side of Mental Illness - Abandoning those who need us to keep ourselves clean

Many people have seen the video of Sinead O'Connor in the past week. This raw and even heartbreaking expose of her motions and of her situation brings to light mental illness.

More importantly, it brings to light the way we look at mental illness. Specifically, the way we attempt to distance ourselves from it.

Mental illness is hard. It is hard to live with. It is hard to have. It is hard to watch.

In many ways, it is just as hard to deal with somebody in your life who has mental illness as it is to be someone who has mental illness. The difference is, one of those people gets a choice.

Many times it is easier to push people away rather than deal with the issues that they themselves suffer from. We decide that somebody is not worth the extra time and energy that we would need to invest in them.

The major problem here is that what seems like self care from the person who can push somebody else away, is also abandoning a person who is suffering from mental illness. It is a fine line to walk. And it is a hard decision to make.

When you know someone with mental illness, you need to determine if you are self care of pushing them away and of neglecting their care is more important than the help and support that they need from you. Each person in their lives has to make this choice. But the person with mental illness, they have to live with those choices.

Helping someone with mental illness is part of Shadow work. And Shadow work is difficult. The problem is when people decide that the shadow work is too difficult, and they wash their hands of it.

Well that may be a valid choice for some, it is not a valid choice for all. And we each need to take responsibility for making that choice when we are in that situation. We need to acknowledge what we are doing when we choose ourselves over someone with mental illness.

Shadow work is never done by washing one's hands of an issue. It is done by facing those issues that most people wash their hands of.

My Response to "Violence is not the Answer" in Protests, Pt 2

This is continued from another post... HERE.

Why should we not take the high road when protesting hate?

Simple answer: Because we have the high road as an option.

Not so simple answer:

The high road is still available to people who don't agree with the VBH (Very Bad Haters) who oppress and suppress entire populations of people for a multitude of reasons, primarily (but by no means exclusively) the sins of being born with A) genetics that are less European than they find acceptable, B) a sexuality and/or orientation that is not cis-het, C) not a penis.

We can still fight it. We can still do this. We aren't in the midst of an actual military war, which is where we (the whole damn world) ended up when we (the US) ignored Germany's VBH takeover of Europe for YEARS. Let's not repeat that SNAFU.

Code what?

Most organizations that have a code system (green, yellow, orange, red) have stuff that they do BEFORE it gets to code red. The goal is to NOT get to code red. But here we are talking about things like they are code mellow-yellow, when oppressed minorities are telling privileged folk it's more like code burnt umber. If you don't think violence belongs in protests, you are probably not one of these groups being murdered or tortured on a daily basis. Just saying.

Silencing Voices

This means that by not acknowledging how very bad and even desperate it is (because we may not be experiencing it ourselves - privilege defined), we are actually SILENCING the voices of those who most need us to hear them.

At war

Additionally, outside of the whole military conflict aspects, this is a war. A social war. It is a fight for rights, and people are DYING. Literally dying. (Let me google that for you - ran out of words to link.)

This is a war, and wars produce veterans. And veterans carry scars, both physical and psychological.

Why do we thank veterans for their service? Because they suffered brutalities of battle on behalf of those who couldn't, those who wouldn't, and those who came later.

The truth about heroism (hint: it's shadow work)

We want to believe that because our cause is just, we can accomplish our goals with no collateral damage, no injury to innocents or innocence, no lasting scars because we are on the side of right.

THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

This isn't an epic fantasy with a hero would comes out unscathed. We will be damaged. And we will be heroes, not because of adherence to some stupid code of honor that has us facing the same crap villains time and time again (looking at you, Batman). We will be heroes in a way that cannot be ackowledged, because it is too damn dark and depressing.

We must fight this fight with fists because it WILL damage our souls. We must fight this fight because by doing so, we step up and take the bullet that would spread and damage other generations. We step up when we don't have to and take SOUL DAMAGE so as to give those already oppressed a little respite.

This isn't white light and unicorns, people. This is the fact that the ones who fight the good fight usually don't make it out okay - be it physically, psychologically or spiritually. We are injured in the fight, and it's worth that injury to still fight.

That's why it's hard. That's why it's heroic. That's why it's shadow work.

My Response to "Violence is not the Answer" in Protests, Pt 1

There are finite ways to make a protest effective, particularly in situations where one side has significantly more systemic power (read: white, able-bodied, male, cis-het, rich, Protestant, etc.). If you are going to protest against a powerful group, you have to make it painful to them.

Luther, being the first Protestant, specifically...
Lutheren

I have to point out that BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES IN POWER, most of what you can do to make it painful is illegal. This is not a coincidence. This is how systemic power works.

I also want to point out that the religious power group in the US is the Protestants, who got their name literally from the fact that they PROTESTED the Catholic Church's systemic power. Thus the circle is complete.

The truth about peaceful protest

IF the power group has a conscience, cares about its reputation, etc, you can attack them through shame. This was how Gandhi did it. But before you start nodding your head about how Gandhi had it right, let's go through the WHOLE process.

Gandhi: *smiles*
Churchill: Ah, bloody hell...

See, Gandhi counted on British shame, which is pretty reliable. His entire protest method was based on PR. The non-violence part was the most important, but not because of any aversion to violence. It was so, when you were beaten and probably killed, it couldn't look like you deserved it.

Let me repeat that, you laid there and let them KILL YOU so they couldn't argue accidental death in self-defense. Then, because Brits (love ya!) are very proper and mannered (in general), they would be ashamed of this.

I'm gonna just sit here a minute while you try to apply that same situation to neo-nazi broflakes. Take your time; I'll wait...

...

...

Active protests, outlined

Another way to protest and make it painful is to actually hurt someone. I don't usually recommend this, but...

I'm lying. I always recommend punching nazis. There are dozens of other ways to make it physically painful to the people in power: 

• Damage their business/financial holdings - This one is tricky. Vandalism and looting can hurt people other than the business owners. Mostly employees, customers, etc., and they are likely innocent. If destroying stuff isn't your thing, you could instead mark the business as a financial resource for a Very Bad Hater (VBH). Kinda like in Inglourious Basterds, when they carved a swastika on the foreheads of nazis who defected to save their own skins. Let their choices have consequences by helping people know their icky secrets.

  

  As the synagogue in Oberramstadt burns during
  Kristallnacht (the "Night of Broken Glass"),
  firefighters instead save a nearby house.

• Damage their ability to be gainfully employed - talk about turnabout. Most people can't fight the crap situations they are in because they are working on surviving in a world that doesn't prioritize hiring them over the power-holders. By making it difficult for the power-holders to get/keep a job, they are put into the same position. (See Charlottesville neo-nazis for how this works.) This is another way for there to be consequences to VBHs.

• Shame them for speaking their beliefs - again tricky. Some say that this is how we get the ideas festering in secret. But the problem is, if we let up on the shame, anyone who held these beliefs in secret slowly grows to believe that it is their right to ACT on the beliefs that they just whispered online before. This one works best in conjunction with other methods. It is also important for preventing or at least minimizing the spread of these beliefs and creating more VBHs. Many people become VBHs because they are looking for a solution and someone tells them about this thing instead of kicking their asses and telling the broflakes to grow up. Make it harder for people to find the whiny, buck-passing solutions for their problems.

• Physically hurt them, just not TOO badly - this is where punching nazis comes into play. Most people are gonna be just fine after being punched. It doesn't often lead to permanent physical injury. But, as physically abused wives everywhere know (yeah, I just went there), you stop talking if you get hit every time you open your mouth. Make them rethink espousing their VBH beliefs to impressionable young people (see reasoning above).

I'm going to continue this in another post... HERE.