Monday, July 25, 2011

Warlock: To Be or Not To Be

“Some men who are Wiccans are reclaiming the name “Warlock” in the tradition of women reclaiming the name “Witch”. Warlock is commonly said to mean oath breaker. What do you think? Can it/should it be reclaimed?” - Pagan Blog Prompts
Cute, but evil... right?
 Wow, what a topic. I decided to weigh in on this mostly because of how solid my answer is, though it is usually mitigated by the "politics" of other people's beliefs.

To me, the answer is simple: use whatever you want to; just don't complain about it when you have to explain YOUR meaning to everyone and their dog.

There are many people, particularly Pagans/Wiccans, who have this firm idea that certain words mean just one thing. This, I understand, to a point. Using just the right word for the meaning you wish to convey is a practice I fully participate in.

Whatever you do, don't
call him a "wanker"...
seriously, do you SEE
the gun?!?
The issue I have is when this is taken to the point where words are not allowed to evolve. I speak English, a language that wouldn't exist without the evolution of words, by co-opting words from other languages, stringing multiple languages together (which is pretty much how English originated), or using words that mean one thing and using them to mean another (fat/phat, anyone?).

We use phrases and words in ways that, literally, make no sense. We get used to slang from one generation and invent new slang for the next one. Even someone from the early 1900s would have a difficult time understanding us today. The deviation of the English language in America vs. Britain is practically a one-liner joke... to both sides of the Atlantic.

I am woma-an, hear me roar!
We have "reclaimed" words throughout civil evolution, including the feminist sisters: "witch" and "bitch." Why shouldn't we reclaim warlock?

If words have power, their power is in the meaning and imagery that the word invokes. This is why words can cut you down or build you up. Why "\ˈī\ \ˈləv\ \ˈyü\" can heal all wounds, rather than being a string of less-then-random syllables. When we talk about "reclaiming" words, we are talking about CHANGING the meaning and imagery, the POWER, of those syllables that make the word in question.

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." Mother Teresa 
If words have power, wouldn't the most powerful thing we can do be to change the meaning, the power of words to something better?
The old meaning for "witch"...
The new meaning for "witch"...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Spartan Family: Too Much Fun!

This looks uncannily familiar...
Like... Bug's room...
 We live in a small house. It is a 3 BR/1 bath on a large plot (about 3/4 acre). But it is a small house.

There are four of us in this small house. Each of us has a place to sleep and (more or less) a place for our stuff.

Stuff. (Insert sigh here.) Lots of stuff.

We have clothes, books, toys, appliances, work & craft stuff. We have a lot of stuff, and it all needs to go somewhere to avoid the Clutter Monster! (Insert dramatic music here.)
The Clutter Monster Under the Bed...
aka, dust bunnies and toys.

In an ideal world, I would be in a position, both locationally and financially, to hire an organizer. Organizers are those mythical, other-worldly creatures that LIKE to clean other people's houses. They get a thrill from neatly placing toys onto shelves and arranging knickknacks and bric-a-bracks. Weirdos.
See! He wants to eat my COOKIES!!

But I want one, even for a weekend. And she (or he) would do battle with the evil Clutter Monster and tame my household into a nice, neat living space... even for a week... or a day. She would be my super-hero for EVER.

Doing battle with the Clutter Monster
is not for the weak-of-heart.

The biggest problem in my house (and the houses of many a parent) is the grandparents.

No, they don't sneak into the house in the middle of the night and throw keggers, nor do they toss things about with wild abandon. In fact, my parents almost never step into the house these days (perhaps in fear of the Clutter Monster - I'm telling you, it's real!).

My parents instead sabotage my plans for clutter-free existence by... wait for it... BUYING my kids stuff. They love to love my kids as though they were little Madonnas singing "Material Girl" (or boy, as the case may be).

Show thine affection to the almighty child through purchasing power! Shower gifts of cheap plastic and/or sugar upon them at all times! Praise them with thy credit cards!

Ok, that may have been a little over-the-top. Maybe.

But, in a sense, it is very true. My parents show how much they love my kids through tokens of affection. And, particularly at their current ages, price is no matter. Cheap stuff works as well as anything else.

But Kalisara, you say, how does one combat this great evil?
That's easy, I respond, sagely. You wade into battle using threats. And, keep in mind, the small victories are worth it.

My parents bought riding toys when I was living in a 2nd story, 2BR apartment. I told them they would have to keep the riding toys at their house, or I would have to throw them away. They bought Bug another pair of sandals. I told Bug to leave them at Grandma's or he would have to throw his other pair away.
Chi Monsters eat clutter!

I'm evil like that, but it works. Establish the fact that you have no room for stuff, then viciously throw out anything that threatens your sacred space balance.

And remember, chi doesn't like clutter either.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Pagan Parenting: The personality effect

Another piece done about three years ago:

Little adults? Not so much...
Many parenting techniques seem to focus on getting children to behave the way that adults want them to behave. This does not often take into account the child's development or the child's personality. Child development works with the biological development of the brain, and emphasizes how the brain can and cannot perform at a certain age. Developmental psychology and attachment parenting are good places to start in learning about this aspect.

Today, however, I am focusing on the aspects of the child's personality, which can be broken into two segments: astrological/elemental and past life carry-over.

By taking into account your child's astrological and elemental aspects, you take into account the foundations of your child's personality. By understanding what motivates your child's behavior, you can encourage positive behavior and discourage negative behavior. (I will be talking in the more general elemental aspects regarding astrology; that is, fire = ares, leo & sagitarius, earth = taurus, virgo & capricorn, air = gemini, libra & aquarius, and water = cancer, scorpio & pisces.)
I am Scorpio... FEAR ME!!
For example, air children will want more explanations, appealing to their logic, while water signs have more emotional motivations. So you would tell an air sign that they should pick up their toys so they can find things more easily, but water signs will pick up their toys to make mom and dad happy. Any basic astrology book or website will give you insight into your child's sun sign motivations, but I recommend finding out the rising/ascendent sign and reading up on that as well. The sun and rising signs will be the most important ones in understanding how your child "works." The moon sign, meanwhile, will help you understand the emotional reactions of your child. Needless to say, the more in depth you go with your child's natal chart, the better you will understand your unique little pagan.
The second aspect of personality that I am addressing today is the past life carry-over. This is the emotional memories that every person brings with them into their new lives. Anything you learn about your child's past lives will help unravel the mystery of his or her mind. By doing this, you can help your child get through the obsticles of past-life "baggage" and support them in discovering their purpose in this life. This will help make the child's life more complete and fulfilling.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Doctor is In... You Will Be Assimilated

A pox on BOTH your chickens!
Vaccines are a tough topic. I have learned what I can about the situation and I'm still not sure. In fact, my deciding factor was the state law that requires children to be up-to-date on vaccinations. I have a personal issue regarding the chicken pox vaccine, but that's a whole different blog post.

When I saw this article, I was interested. Is this where we have come to in the medical industry? Is this a place we should be?

Given all the discussion on a centralized healthcare, I couldn't help but consider this: If they did centralize healthcare, would they be able to say what kinds of medical treatments were required? Could they literally take my choices away from me? And how far would that go?

That's right! You LISTEN when I TALK to you!
And don't EVEN give me that look...
Now, to be clear on a few things:
  • I support centralized healthcare because I think that all people deserve to have access to what they need to live a reasonably healthy life.
  • I chose my current healthcare provider because he listens to me. He gives me information but I make the choices about my own and my family's treatment.
  • I don't think that the whole public school system concept was built on imposing what many people (including medical professionals) consider to be a controversial topic.
I mean, really! What if pediatricians announced that they would drop any patient that chose to breastfeed their baby "too long," or chose to utilize a family bed? I've heard of pediatricians becoming antagonistic and hostile over the parents' choice to circumcise or not.

That's right...
Me & this chicken are gonna box... er, POX!
Whatever happened to doctors providing advice and care and leaving the choices to the people? Why do doctors, and by extension the government, feel the need to hold my hand when I cross the street?

I am an adult. An intelligent, learn'ed adult. I can make an intelligent, thought-out decision for myself and my children. If I have a problem with the chicken pox vaccine, that's between me and the vaccine... The doctor can advise me and then get out of the way.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Big Brother is Watching You, and He's got a SCALE!

It is the nightmare of every parent: Someone, somewhere, thinks you aren't a good enough parent to your children; and they have the authority to take them away from you.
It was kinda like this;
I should have called "Clean House"!

I ran into this issue myself several years ago when, as a single parent of a mobile toddler, CPS was called because my house wasn't clean enough. I had stacks of books and piles of toys, loads of (clean) laundry, and empty cardboard boxes that needed taken out. Nothing that would scream "FILTH!", but it definitely shouted "CLUTTER!" Fortunately for me, the police officer was rather understanding about it... and the situation gave me the "freedom" to take a sick day and clean up. After all, POLICE were involved.

A recent news story has caught my eye: Should parents lose custody of super obese kids? Really? I must read this.
People seem to think that having
food like this available for pennies
could not possibly contribute to
the obesity crisis... Hmmm.

It turns out a doctor has decided that people who have too little money, education, or physical health/ability to help their kids stay at a "good" weight should lose their children to foster care until a healthy weight is achieved.

Now, I've been a non-healthy weight for 20+ years, so: Mom, sorry; I think this means you suck at parenting. (Note: this is sarcasm; Mom, do NOT take this as anything but a joke.)

Oh, wait a second. My parents are average American parents. My brother doesn't have a weight problem (unless you count his struggles to get to the gym for several hours EVERY DAY; he may be an addict). My parents are a little overweight themselves and are prone to the Weight Watchers yo-yo (on again, off again). So would they even fall under this condition?

If so, based on the obesity crisis, every non-anorexic child in America may end up in the foster care system. What a way to spend our tax dollars - playing musical children... That doesn't EVEN touch on my oh-so-high opinion of the way our foster care system is run (rampent abuse of the system, the children, the social workers, the parents - EVERYONE gets screwed on that one).
Water-soup again, kids...

But if not, doesn't that mean that this is an issue directed at poverty-level families? Which means it is almost a racial issue, definitely a healthcare issue, and possibly an issue that will be exacerbated by the political leanings of the current teabagging idjits that are delaying the debt issue right now? And if the cuts they make exacerbate this problem, and more people end up falling into this category, wouldn't that mean a HUGE burden on the foster care system (already overburdened) and on our already-stretched-too-thin tax dollars?

Wait! Kids can GROW things?!?!?
Maybe it would just be cheaper/easier to fix the dietary crapolla that is the school lunch system. I'm a big fan of the school garden concept; teach kids to grow and then prepare FRESH HEALTHY foods, for pennies.

Just my two pennies...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Pagan Parenting: Spiritual Responsibility

 This is a piece I wrote three years ago for a newsletter:

Don't bug me, I'm reading the

On the surface there doesn't seem to be much of a difference between parenting and pagan parenting. However, pagan parenting, like all spiritual-based parenting techniques, takes into account a larger picture than most parenting styles encompass. Pagan parenting or spiritual parenting takes into account the effects of, and on, the soul.

As I write this, I am reminded of two things. The first is my son's behavior this morning. He's two now, so you can imagine how much FUN he can be, and by fun I mean a royal pain. He doesn't like to leave in the morning, so getting to work on time (or even close to it) is virtually impossible. He's also getting potty trained right now, so I get to spend a lot of time cleaning up messes.

The thing is, I'm always getting advice from my own parents, often accompanied by information that I know is unsafe or a negative influence. If I say so, the response is something like "we did this and you're still alive". Okay, but I don't want my son to just survive, I want him to thrive! Big difference in result, not much difference in effort.

The second thing I'm reminded of is my decision. As a single mother, I had to think (for a whole five seconds) about whether to continue down the path of motherhood. I never wanted to be a parent, but when it happened, well, it was destined to be. But I refused to enter into this adventure lightly. I spent hours and hours thinking about my responsibilities to this new life I had created.

One of the big things I pondered was that I was making the choice, not my son. That makes his life my responsibility, that makes his growth and development my burden, or purpose. How he turns out is a direct result of how I embark on this journey. His soul is as much mine to care for as is his body. Talk about stress!

Yeah, I had some doubts as to whether I could handle that kind of responsibility. But I had an advantage over my own and many other parents - I know what my purpose, my responsibility, to my son includes. Heck, I even have a vague idea of how I can live up to this responsibility.

Internet research...
become an expert on ANYTHING!
So, I spent the next 10 months (yeah, he was twice-baked) doing research. Number one subject was child development information. In other words, if I expect certain behavior from my son, is it age-appropriate, or will I just end up punishing him for behaving the way he is built to behave?

Seems like a no-big-deal kind of thing, right? Well, what happens when someone tells you that you are too loud, too happy, too shy, etc.? Aren't they punishing you for being you? Is that fair of them? How does it make you feel? Wouldn't it be nice if they just accepted you for you? Don't your children deserve the same?

Number two subject was psychological development, beyond the norm. It's called trans-personal psychology. It explains what the difference is between being functional in life and being one of the greats. If I can help my child achieve that level of self-confidence and generosity of heart, why wouldn't I?

Number three subject was more of an introspection. Taking all of the information that I had learned, I applied it to my own beliefs on spirituality.Then I had to try to figure out how to pass on my beliefs to my son while keeping the spirit of his psychological and mental development. Fortunately, they mesh well together into a single concept: RESPECT.

So, I'm on my journey, teaching my son to respect others, respect the earth, and respect the devine as an individual and within others. Meanwhile, I am also teaching him to respect himself (a hallmark of a healthy self-esteem) by respecting him from birth.

This doesn't mean that he gets away with everything or runs the show. But I do listen to him and explain to him (in age-appropriate language and concepts) why he doesn't get his way. I also keep in mind that he deserves to be treated with a certain amount of honor, as well as respect. I wouldn't spank my friend, or even an unliked co-worker, for doing something "wrong", so why would I spank my son? I teach him that we use towels and cloth diapers so we don't have so much trash. I explain to him that daycare is where he needs to go so that I can go to work (and I HAVE to go to work!).

These are some of my choices. I recommend that each parent or parent-to-be get educated on different parenting techniques. There are so many good ideas in virtually all parenting styles. And the more you know about how things can be done, the better you can decide what should be done. And really, that's the only thing a parent really can do.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

To Mock a Killed Bird: What's Going On?

Protect the children,
THAT is the Law.
With all the crapolla going on in the news (mothers killing their children, little boys being shot by their father-figures), you would think that my disgust-reactions would be pointed steadily outward, towards the great big evil scary world. But no...

The other day, I was horrified by the behavior of children under my own supervision.

I watch a couple of boys for one of my co-workers. It works out fine for us, since they bracket my son by age and therefore all keep each other out of my hair for the most part. Having them is very little extra work to help out a fellow parent in need.

Ugly, yes; but hardly a
threat to humanity...
Then they got excited about a bird.

A small bird, just barely too young to fly, had fallen out of the nest in the spruce tree in the backyard where the boys were playing. They very excitedly came in and told me all about it. I told them, great, but don't touch it.

About ten minutes later, the boys straggled in with a tale of horror straight out of Poe's Collected Works. The oldest (not my son) had taken the toy bubble-mower and used it to kill the bird, spilling it's little birdy-guts all over the sidewalk. (Sidenote: EW!)

Exhibit A: the murder weapon.
I couldn't believe my ears. They were excited to see what was inside the bird; and while I can appreciate such love of knowledge, I had to make it clear that their methods were closer to that of Dr. Mengle and not something that I could approve of or condone.

Now, being a follower of Kali and a carnivore to boot, I understand and appreciate the cycle of life and death, as well as the necessity of killing for food and safety.

But this was neither and kind of frightening, besides. After all, serial killers and sociopaths tend to have that childhood warning sign: killing/torturing small animals. (BTW, I did a little Google-type digging and found this, this, and this on the subject.)
When kids go bad... it's never pretty!

Now, having dealt with the situation as best as I could (I think I did fairly well, making it clear how I felt, that such behavior was not acceptable, but not calling them "bad") and looking back at it, it's more frustrating then anything else.

I am trying to teach my children the (sometimes conflicting) duel morality of compassion and natural death cycles. It's easy to say that all killing is wrong, but I don't believe that. I will kill to protect my family, through safety or food.

So I have to figure out how to get my children to understand the qualifiers, not just the basic message, an understandably difficult line for them to walk. But that's what make Pagan Parents a whole 'nother breed.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Drag Queen: Minivans with Hemis

This is NOT the van I was looking for...
I can die happy, for I have finally experienced the apex, the culmination of human dorkiness... A minivan took off down my street revving its engine for all it was worth.

A minivan... Really?


What small-minded, small-genitalia-ed idiot thinks that drag racing a minivan by itself down a residential street at 9pm does ANYTHING to impress and/or intimidate me?
DORK = Drives minivans very fast
down the street.

What DOES it do, you ask?

It kinda makes me want to run after the van, rip the door off the hinges, pull the little punk out and scream into his face. There could be bloodshed involved, as well; I'm not sure. But I'll keep you posted.

Where was I? Oh, yes, screaming into the little punk's face, "What is your PROBLEM?! There are children on this street, you dolt!"

And therein, as they say, lies the crux of the matter. There are children. Children who play near the street, cross the road without looking both ways, etc.

The "After" of the van above...
At which point I realize that I have turned into my mother... ish. I've become a person who considers that my (and others') reckless behavior may harm or worse some innocent person (read, child). That kinda pisses me off.

To put people's safety and lives in danger for no other reason than to get your kicks? This is just something that I do not understand.

Maybe it's just me. After all, I've never understood humans.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Seven is Enough: A Full House doesn't give you Poker Face!

Yeah, the title is a Lady Gaga reference. And just to be clear, the main part of Gaga is GAG!

I look so cute, but I'm trouble with
a captial G-I-Z-M-O.
We have four boys tonight. Either we are taking in strays or my son is a mogwai and reproduced himself while in the bath.

Actually, we have my nephew and two other boys tonight and tomorrow. It makes for an interesting time, that's for sure. I'm not entirely convinced they will sleep tonight. They have had two injuries so far from jumping on each others' heads.

They are currently arguing over something, but I don't know or care what about. We only worry about the loud crashes and angst-y crying.

Earlier, I got three kids, myself and Stormie fed in less than an hour... Woot! I also managed to get the kitchen relatively cleaned up and the laundry changed. Stormie took the boys outside and got them to pull weeds in the garden.

The moon's phase tonight.
With all five (FIVE!) kids in bed, Stormie is snoozing on the couch and I'm watching a movie while catching up on my computer stuff. I ignore the sounds of boys being boys and consider going outside to look at the moon.

I will be up until midnight, again, and then passed out before 12:30, trying to get some quality sleep before the morning rush. But I will still take some time to ignore the desire to be a perfect mother and instead be the perfectly happy me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Dark Side of Parenting: Get Your Own Damn Cookies!

This morning, I was watching the news on the fallout of the Casey Anthony acquittal on the Today Show. One of the guest experts talked about how this trial touched so many because it was the "dark side" of parenting. Naturally, that caught my attention.

The dark side of parenting, in my definition, is the nasty-mean thoughts and SMALL actions that happen when parents get to the end of their rope. Like saying mean things that you would never otherwise say. Like slamming the door to the kids' bedroom so you don't have to keep looking at their whiny little faces or hearing their whiny little voices. Like plotting to duct tape them upside-down in their closets until they've gotten through puberty.

Then I thought about it. (Hey, I'm an air sign... thinking is what I do.)

There can be quite a fine line between plotting a duct tape incarceration and actually doing it. A little loss of control can have huge consequences.
Yeah, she's just the picture of
a little demon child...

But is that what really happened here? Did this little girl drive her mother out of control to the point of killing?

Maybe. But that isn't what I ever had a problem with.

Crap happens. People lose control. Accidents can lead to death and worse. That is the dark side of parenting. Well, ONE of the dark sides of parenting.

No, not THAT mama grizzly. Ack!

The other dark side of parenting is the mama grizzly. That part of you that envisions ripping a pedophile limb from limb because they glanced at your child. The part of you that would cross over into whatever afterlife there is to keep your child healthy. The part of you that would rip the throat out of anyone who threatens the life and well-being of your child. The part of you that would destroy death himself should he approach too soon.
Yeah, he got too close to my kid...
You got a problem with that?

Those are what I consider the dark side of a relatively healthy parent. Dirty dancing with other chicks while your child lies dead in the woods where you put her? Not so much.

Now, I do agree with the jury in one sense. There wasn't enough solid evidence to show that it was anything other than an accidental death. That is my opinion on the legal issue.
"Don't judge me...I heard a wake
is like, a big party!"

As for the moral issue? I say give her five years... of a slow torturous death, just for being a selfish bitch and going out partying when she should have been acknowledging the death of her child.

That's not any "dark side of parenting," that is just plain fucked up.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Germ Warfare: Nature is THE BOMB!

Germs are bad, right? Not so fast, there.

There's a new bad guy in the fight against illness, and it isn't a micro-organism, virus or prion (the things that cause BSE [mad cow disease] and  Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease (CJD) disease). It's hygiene.

When good immune systems go bad...
The Hygiene Hypothesis is the idea that too much hygiene, being too clean and too not-sick, at too young an age leads to the immune system having not enough to do, so it doesn't work as well.

Sometimes the immune system gets all wonky and results in allergies or even (some speculate) autism. Sometimes it means you don't get the bacteria in your intestines that helps digest food (eating issues anyone?). Sometimes it shuts off completely.

An episode of House in Season 6 resulted in a diagnosis of over-hygiene, or low-functioning immune system (extra-intestinal Crohn's, they called it). Additionally, CNN and Parenting magazine have both done articles talking about the positives of adequate germ exposure (here and here).

Love bugs!
So what does this mean to pagan parents? Well, if Mother Nature (the Goddess) did us right, we should live a more natural lifestyle, embracing not only the seasons, plants and animals, but also the tiny living creatures that we need to live healthy natural lives. That's right: Love nature, love germs!
Aren't they cute?!?

We are made to be little micro-bug hosts, using some germs to practice our martial-immuno-battles on, using some germs to help digest or process certain foods, and using some germs to become immune to bigger, badder things.

Love your kids; get them infected!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Swimming with the Fishes: Tales of the Tickle Shark

Today, I went swimming. And it was a glorious thing.

Bug is the one on the left...
Nevermind that the water was over chlorinated, the room was unventilated, the kids were in need of micro-management, and there were bat-like shrieks reverberating through the room.

As an air sign, I am a born-in-the-water fish. (I know, but it makes sense on some level.) I love the weightlessness and the fact that I can just dive in and enjoy myself.

Today, we had bug, ladybug and the bug-cousin in the pool with us. Ladybug, at 14 mo, was decked out in a floaty-suit. She was totally WTF at first, but she relaxed after a while and enjoyed being hauled around the pool area by Stormcrow. We played a little bit of "Pass the Baby," passing her back and forth between us. And we practiced a little bit of a backfloat.

"Mommy said she'd be right back...
that was half an hour ago..."
The boys, bug and bug-cousin, are 18 days apart. Bug-cousin just turned 5 yo and bug is 4 days away from that mark. We are going to the zoo tomorrow.

I got to be the Tickle Shark. I would swim up to the bug-boys and tickle them while they made their way around the pool. The pool was nice in that it was 3 foot for most of it, and 4 foot only in the middle. But there was a ledge around the edge of the "deep" part so the boys could maneuver through most of it without issue.

I, the Tickle Shark, caught bug several times, at which point he would shriek in delight and attempt to scratch his way to freedom. Bug-cousin (who may be slightly competitive) taunted me that I "couldn't catch him." I proved him wrong, catching him several times.
Adult-type persons...
Comforting, isn't it?

Swimming with kids is a pain in the butt, if you are alone, but when there are more than one adult-type persons, it can be a great way to run off the excess sugar. Not that I would EVER feed the boys slushy floats... Ever.

Tomorrow we shall be doing more sugar and running amok in the zoo. Looks like the monkeys will have some entertainment tomorrow... Woot!

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Baseball Bat to the Knees: Stomach Flu

Foot fetish + zombie athlete's foot = REALLY bad breath!
There is a zombie apocalypse going on. There is stumbling, moaning, pasty complexions, and a possible loss of body parts.

No, the Poncho Industry didn't accidentally release a deadly version of athlete's foot.When parents of small children get sick, no amount of special forces aide can help.

Each one of these is a hog-tied child...
Now, just to clarify, we are talking about a two-person job (raising two young kids from one day to the next) and not only tapping out one of the players, but hog-tying them and mounting them on the back of the player who is still standing (not for long!).

The person who passes the diapers to you while you pin down the kicking baby for the count of ten is, instead, curled up on the bathroom floor trying not to puke on the bath mat.

Even the absence of the gastrointestinally disturbed partner is better than having yet another body to herd to bed, bath and beyond (the activities, not the store). This is easily explained by the average weight of an adult vs. a child being in direct conflict with the ability of a person to wrestle two children while carrying that weight.

So what you end up with is zombie-parent stumbling around groaning like "Aaarrrnnn!" and not zombie-parent thinking that a gun is the only hope of survival.
Shoot the kids? Shoot the husband? I JUST DON'T KNOW!!