It's Okay to Not be Okay

An issue has come up several times in the past few weeks. Someone who is undergoing a severely stressful situation, ends up apologizing or otherwise feeling guilty for breaking down.

I'm here to tell you, it is okay to not be okay.

Sometimes your life takes a turn that is just plain shit. When that happens, it is completely all right to mourn it, to hate it, to break down, and to not be as strong as you think you need to be.

Strength is not a hundred percent all the time. Sometimes strength needs to be recovered. Sometimes strength needs to be washed in tears. Sometimes it's just not right to have to be strong in the face of a shitty situation.

You are not a lesser person for doing this. You are not weak. You are not fragile. You are not wrong.

People need to learn that it is okay to cry. It is okay to be upset. It is okay to be angry and sad. It is okay to break down.

Those emotions, those reactions, are perfectly valid. Even if they are not the endpoint, even if they are not permanent. We can have temporary emotions. And sometimes, those emotions can be negative. They can be more negative than we want them to be. That does not define us.

In the words of Moana: This does not define you; you know who you are, who you truly are.

But I Just Want to Help: The Myths of Being Charitable

Helpful actions

I was reading an article online awhile ago, and something that they said resounded with me. They were talking about ways in which people try to help, but actually make things worse.

I thought to myself, 'self... how many times have we bemoaned the useless "help" that so many try to provide? how many times have we wanted to explain to people that if they would just think a few minutes past the immediate self-congratulatory feeling they were after, they would realize they aren't doing me any favors?'. Of course, myself agreed completely.

Ok, you got 2 second to get your ass across that street...
Then it's pancake time!

It started in college (well, that was the first time I articulated the feeling) when I had to cross three lanes of one-way traffic to get from my dorm to the classes I was taking. Every other day, some idjit with good intentions (road to HELL, remember?) would stop in the middle of the road to allow me to cross. Of course, with only one lane stopped, it didn't help. And the stopped car actually made it worse because the cars behind this well-intentioned dumbass would go around.

Look for the break in traffic... Wait for it... Wait for it...

This meant that a situation that would be resolved by normal traffic flow and periodic stoplights up the road, now had a frickin' beaver dam clogging things up. So, rocks-for-brains would stop, wait about 15-30 seconds (just long enough to create a clogged up traffic situation) and then keep going.

Sometimes I would attempt to wave this stupid-but-nice person along, hoping to avoid the auto flow choke, but half the time they would ignore or insistently gesture me across the street, never realizing that should I do that, I would DIE by the oncoming traffic in the other two lanes. Maybe they weren't trying to be nice. Maybe they were trying to kill me!

Anyways, the point of this is that steady and smooth flow of traffic is much more important than the empty, useless gesture of stopping in the middle of the road.

A good deed in theory...

Oh, and sometimes, if you* stop and look around, you might realize that the "nice" or "polite" gesture that you were making in a moment of superficial altruism, really wasn't at all helpful. And instead of getting pissy because no one is accepting your offer or thanking you for your effort, maybe you should think a little more carefully about your "nice", "polite" gesture - and do something ACTUALLY HELPFUL. Just sayin'.
*This is meant to be "you" the general populace, not "you" the reader necessarily.

And this advice is, by no means, meant to be limited to only traffic situations, or holding doors (which, btw, is almost ALWAYS helpful - I'm talking to YOU, idiot who always drops the door on me when my hands are full). THINK about what you are doing... not just the joy you will feel knowing that someone will "owe you one," or feel "so incredibly grateful" for your Mother-Teresa-like generosity. Because that isn't why you should do nice things anyways.

"Random" doesn't mean "head up butt"

You should do it because you can see how what you do will actually help the person. And if you don't think further than the next few seconds, and look at how your actions will effect others (not just you and the lucky recipient of your gift of niceness), then you aren't actually doing something NICE.

A little forethought is always the best gift to give.
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FYI, here are some people who agree:
When Lending a Hand Isn’t Helpful
Helicopter Parenting
The right thing to do
Disadvantages of being nice