The Error of Following Your Bliss; and Other Misleading Spiritual Tropes

If we choose the right career, we will make enough money. The evil cousin of that being "Do what you love; the money will follow." I've given that advice before, and now I can admit that it doesn't always work out that way.

There is a problem with the soundbite advice that stems from love'n'light spirituality. And I'm here to break it down for you.

It's Black & White

You either feel the love, or you don't. You release your anger, or you let it consume you. You follow your bliss, or you whither into a hopeless shell, a cog in some faceless corporate machine.

The thing is, life is in grayscale. You can feel loved one moment, and have moments of insecurity the next. You can be fulfilled in a job that isn't quite your ideal. You can allow yourself to feel anger about things that deserve your anger.

Life should be about the ups and the downs. Your feelings should not be static, they can pendulum over the happy medium, swinging to one side before returning to the calm center.

There is Privilege Involved

This mindset often suggests, or outright states, that your situation is your own making. This is not only harmful to those who have had traumatic experiences, and those who are born differently abled, it is also contradictory.

If I am fully in control of my life, and my actions harm another person, but they are creating their own situation by their mindset, who is responsible for the harm?

Obviously, if I am the one acting harmfully, I am, but the positive mindset culture frequently shames or simply implies that it is the victim's fault. The psychology of narcissism and psychopathy both show that compassionate, loving and forgiving people are often the targets of such behaviors.

Love is not a Panacea

Let's just give that one up now. If love where the solution, there would be much less abuse in the Pagan and Buddhist communities. Yet we struggle with abusers, too. The 70s had cults and communities based on love and trust... and stories of abuse have surfaced from several of those as well.

As nice and clean as that would be, we are supposed to honor nature, and...

Nature isn't really very Nice

Predators kill prey. Blood begets life. Some of the worst tragedies to descend upon humankind has been Nature, from floods and volcanoes to earthquakes, hurricanes, and even diseases.

If we want to honor Nature, we can't ignore that Nature's next earthquake isn't going to be loved into a gentle shake. Things happen that we cannot stop. Genetics mutate. Birth defects occur. And the people effected shouldn't be told that they "created their situation".

Back to Business

We may love to do a certain kind of job, but there are other factors that can interfere with that being a realistic life model.

First, just because we love to do it, doesn't always mean we have the skills. The passion? Probably. But passion is only a driving force.

Second, the part you love is only part of the whole thing. You may love gems, but that doesn't mean you know how to run a gem shop. The idea that you can follow your bliss to wealth doesn't hold up when you realize your passion doesn't extend to the bookkeeping portion of the program.

Third, the market probably isn't too concerned with what you, the individual, are passionate about. Ritual clothing for pets can seem like a good idea (yes, you can use that), but that doesn't mean that enough people want their puppy in circle with a merlin-esque beard to be able to pay your rent. Even in mainstream economics, studies show that the number one indicator of a successful business is... timing. That's right, the luck of having the right idea at the right time. And that's why most businesses fail.

Pictured, me with $2k

Fourth, your passions don't necessarily mean you have the resources you will need. I really wanted to start a retail business. To open a storefront, I discovered I would need, at minimum, $20k, just to get through the first year. Pro tip: if you are reselling other people's goods, you don't have built-in collateral to get a loan. Passion doesn't mean you'll be able to get the money or resources.

So We Shouldn't Follow our Passions?

I'm not saying that at all. Being passionate about what you are trying to do can keep you going when it gets hard. But it will not dissolve all the obstacles you may face. If you have a solid plan, the resources to get started, and a realistic idea of the work involved, do it!

The problem isn't relying on passion so much as relying ONLY on passion... and blaming a lack of positive thinking for failures. 90% of businesses fail in the first FIVE years. Positive thinking may not prevent that.

On the other hand, it may be what gets you back up on the horse to try again. And that is a good place for positive thinking.

It's Okay to Not be Okay

An issue has come up several times in the past few weeks. Someone who is undergoing a severely stressful situation, ends up apologizing or otherwise feeling guilty for breaking down.

I'm here to tell you, it is okay to not be okay.

Sometimes your life takes a turn that is just plain shit. When that happens, it is completely all right to mourn it, to hate it, to break down, and to not be as strong as you think you need to be.

Strength is not a hundred percent all the time. Sometimes strength needs to be recovered. Sometimes strength needs to be washed in tears. Sometimes it's just not right to have to be strong in the face of a shitty situation.

You are not a lesser person for doing this. You are not weak. You are not fragile. You are not wrong.

People need to learn that it is okay to cry. It is okay to be upset. It is okay to be angry and sad. It is okay to break down.

Those emotions, those reactions, are perfectly valid. Even if they are not the endpoint, even if they are not permanent. We can have temporary emotions. And sometimes, those emotions can be negative. They can be more negative than we want them to be. That does not define us.

In the words of Moana: This does not define you; you know who you are, who you truly are.

38 Things I've Learned/Accomplished in 38 Years

I recently saw a post where someone who turned 40 posted 40 things they were determined to do. I like the idea, but I decided to turn it on its head.

As I am 38, nearing 39, I am going to list 38 things I've learned in or done with my life. Enjoy!!

1. I wrote and published a fiction novel. This is a big one for me. I've wanted this since I was in single digits, and that want has never gone away. Finally, I had the courage, support and time - and I did it!
   
2. I found the person who loves and supports me, and who I love and support. I honestly had my doubts that this one could ever happen, but it did. And I'm thrilled that I was strong enough to wait for him, AND strong enough to let him into my life.
3. I won NaNoWriMo. I won. TWICE! I got the certificate, I have the t-shirt. I wrote 50k+ words in one month. They were pretty good words, too! I'm gonna do it again next year!
4. I learned how to bake. I can make bread, soft pretzels, biscuits, and much more in a few minutes to a few days. And they are so much better than the store-bought stuff. I'm even teaching my kids to bake.
5. I prioritized what was important to ME. Yes, I still take care of a goodly portion of household and childcare stuff. But my desires are right up there with those of the rest of my family. I have learned how to weave the needs of my kids, my hubby and myself to make all of us important. Please note that prioritizing doesn't always mean "top priority" either.
6. I got laid off - and it wasn't the end of the world. Don't get me wrong. It was scary, and it was hard, but it didn't break me or my family. We had to make a lot of sacrifices (we still do), but we now know that we CAN do this.
7. I learned to be a barista. It's an interesting job, and more complicated than I think a lot of people realize. In many ways, I enjoyed doing it.
8. I figured out how to plot a novel. I have ideas. Tons of ideas. And many of them are good ideas. But there is a difference between having a good idea and having a good story. A good idea can never replace a good story, so learning to plot a full-length, entertaining story was pretty important if I was to become an author.
9. I became a podcaster. Seven years and counting with a weekly show (we've only missed a few), my friend and I have become a bit of a name (not huge, just a bit... :) ) in the Pagan community for our Pagan-Musings Podcast, with over 1000 listens each week. Yay!
10. I learned how to plan for travel. Researching hotels, making reservations, taking taxis - for a small town woman, I've gotten very good at getting my family a decent place to stay when we are out of town. And, most importantly, I know what is worth paying for and what isn't.
    
11. I figured out how to be by myself. Not just for an afternoon or a day. For weeks at a time. For a year. I lived alone in place pretty isolated from my friends and family. I spent weeks at a time with no discussions outside of work and errands. And I was okay. I'm pretty interesting, you know.
12. I became a speaker/workshop presenter. I have a long history of stage-fright and nerves, so taking an opportunity to speak in front of a group of strangers was a pretty big step. Plus, I had to learn how to set up a workshop so that it would be entertaining for those attending.
13. I learned to budget. And not just a basic money-in, money-out thing. I taught myself how to plan and manage my money to an astonishing degree. And I did it with nothing more than some online articles, wikipedia (to check out definitions and legal stuff), and a 10-year old excel program.
14. I got 1000 followers on Twitter. More importantly, I've stayed at around 1000 followers on Twitter for several months. No mass exodus from my Twitter feed. Yay!
15. I realized I could trust myself. I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty darn good at being a decent person, mother, friend. Instead of constantly berating myself for the little mistakes, I look at them, learn from them, and move on.
16. I quit my job. I've never quit a job before unless you count the time I rage-quit a micro-managing, spaz boss who had to hire three people to replace me. But I quit. Not because I was breaking down. Not because I got fired. Because I had something better to do, and I had the means to do so.
    
17. I rebuilt my credit. Not even two years ago, my credit was in the mid 500s. Now, I have "fair/good" credit. I got a credit card, paid off all my bills, and I micromanage my various accounts at least once a week. I've caught bogus charges, errors, and my own oopsies along the way, but I finally did it. After 20 years of crappy credit, I could actually get a loan - not that I need one.
18. I taught myself marketing. I've always been interested in it, and it's something that I understand and pick up easily. But I managed to do it well enough to get two jobs based on my marketing experience. And I'm now leveraging that towards my books!
19. I taught myself how to convert files. This is very handy in the marketing stuff, so I can give people the file type they need for reviews or giveaways without it costing me even more.
20. I learned I can trust people. Now, there's a secret to this. I trust people to be who they are. That means, I trust people who have let me down to not always be there for me. So I don't count on them like I otherwise would. I trust people who don't pay me back in a timely manner to not pay me back. I count the loan as a loss, and repayment as a bonus. I KNOW what I'm getting into with each person. I trust them to be who they are.
    
21. I learned about diets and nutrition, and my own eating needs. I know what I require and I know how diets will affect me - and if they will work. I know what staves off the hanger and what satisfies the cravings.
22. I own property. Yeah, it was mostly a gift from my parents, but it took nearly three years of renting and not skipping out on them before that happened. I like to think that, in some ways, I earned the gift.
23. I became a name. I'm not very well known by most. I'm not a celebrity or a superstar, but in some circles, I am a public figure now. Holy crap! I have a reputation and an obligation to my fans and followers (and it's more than just family now!!). How odd!
24. I learned how to cook from scratch. Not just a little bit, either. Everything from scratch. Some of it wasn't worth the time to do on a regular basis, but we kept many of the recipes we learned, such as making sloppy joes without the canned stuff.
25. I became an activist. I didn't mean to. That is, I didn't set out to become a SJW (social justice warrior). I just listened to people talk about the discrimination that affected them and those around them, and I read about the social constructs and systems that supported racism and sexism, etc. Then, I started talking to people about it. Then, I started calling people out for doing things that were hurtful. Then, I was engaging in full-blown FB debates. And, it's true, you can never shut your eyes to the hate and hurt once you've seen it.
26. I learned what my drinking style is. I am an occasional drinker and a lightweight. I cannot binge drink. I don't enjoy drinking to get drunk. I like sweet and fruity drinks, and mead. This helped me become confident in how I approach parties and gatherings. I no longer feel the need to live up to other people's expectations of how I should "enjoy myself".
    
27. I have birthed and raised children. They are even doing well, if I do say so. I never thought I'd be a mother-type, and I'm not really the soft nurturing kind of mom. I'm more of a force of nature mom who teaches the kids how to make it or break it - literally.
28. I learned to trust my instincts. People and situations aren't always what they seem. I've learned to trust my gut as to whether or not I am safe or even in the best place for me. I seem to be pretty good at it, too.
29. I worked as a cook. It was a specific situation and a bit unusual for a cook, but I made meals from scratch for several dozen people at a time. I learned how to plan my time and efforts in order to make good food, that looked good, that had to "hold" for an entire lunch period. It's not as easy as it looks.
30. I held a book release. Yeah, it was a FB event, but I'd never done anything like that before. Considering my inexperience, I think it went rather well. I look forward to using the tricks I've picked up since to make the next one even better!
31. I embraced myself as an introvert. I let go of all the shame and guilt of not wanting to be involved with people all the time. I have my hubby, who I do enjoy being around, and I seldom want any other company. And that's okay. I interact on social media when I want to, but I spend days without going farther than my own yard. That's how I like it.

    

    This awesome pic is by the talented
    illustrator Sam Flegal. See his work here:
    http://www.samflegal.com/

32. I learned about Norse mythology - way more than I ever thought I would be interested in learning, and I liked it. I even used some of the myths as a basis for the overarching plot for my series.
33. I made a decision regarding the importance of historical accuracy in my religious beliefs. Sorry, recons. I don't think it's that important. Knowing about the history is a great thing. Adhering to it exclusively, however, is static and unrealistic. Religion grows with humankind, and that's a very good thing. Holding on to the past with a vengeance is extremism in religion AND politics.
34. I learned to communicate my feelings. This was hard. It's difficult to explain that my parents didn't make me feel safe expressing myself. It wasn't violent. It was nitpicky. It was criticizing. And I spent 30 years being careful about how I let myself feel. I wasn't very good at it, being a very passionate (and tempermental) woman. Now, I'm learning how to talk about not just my feelings, but about unpacking the social aspects of them. Still hard. Totally worth it.
35. I taught myself how to read contracts. It takes lots of research to do that. I'm lucky - I seem to have a natural understanding of legal jargon. I'm good enough at it that I've been paid for writing basic contracts for others!
36. I learned Astrological interpretations. Yeah, I can analyze a birth chart and show how the different planets/signs interact with each other. I'm pretty good at it, too.
37. I learned how to manage a house. Chore lists, grocery lists, budget lists, calendars - four people makes for lots of work, but we rock it... most days.
38. My give-a-damn broke. Somewhere along the way, I stopped making what other people thought of me the important thing. Yeah, I still take it into consideration, but I don't let it rule my life, my behavior, my beliefs. Instead, I have faith in my own values, and I listen to the voices and opinions of my hubby and kids first and foremost. Those random people don't get to influence me - they don't know me, they don't love me, they don't have me as a priority. So why should I make them a priority?

Summary of a Workshop: Negative Emotions on a Spiritual Path

Many times, we get the message that being on a spiritual path means you can't have anger, depression, anxiety, or fear.  Instead, we are told to quickly get rid of such emotions and replace them with something more akin to love.  But is that really the case?  Is that healthy?

We will be discussing the place that negative emotions have even at higher spiritual levels, and how to know when it's time to embrace negativity as a part of continued spiritual growth.

No matter how much we embrace our religious or spiritual beliefs, we are still just people living in the real world. We like to post memes that quote the Buddha: "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger."

We talk about the destructiveness of being a hater, of judging others, of not being "grateful", of not holding enough love. We talk about hate and fear as the opposites of love, as though they are the corruption within us. As though "allowing" ourselves to feel these emotions is a failure.

What kinds of messages have you heard? What do those messages mean to you?

Tell that to people living in fear...

Many people, in normal everyday lives, look at these and see a message of hope. But others see those ways of looking at emotions as being accusatory, a symptom of denial, and - yes - privileged.

How might those messages be hurtful for people in different circumstances?

We should be "rising above" such negativity. If we are still feeling hate and anger, we aren't as spiritual as we should be. How do those sound to people with mental illness, chronic pain, chronic poverty, or in an environment of oppression?

What do those two ways of looking at emotions have in common? They assume that emotions are controlled by and a symptom of the person feeling them. This perspective has several problems.

The first problem is that this ignores the legitimacy of those emotions. Spiritual growth is about understanding who you are, accepting the flaws of human incarnation, and living a life complete with suffering and hard knocks. In many ways, a spiritual path is less about who you should be and more about who you really are, stripped of the illusions of culture and expectation.

There is a brutal honesty inherent in that. We are supposed to accept that we are clumsy, but not the angry reaction we have when we stub our toe? We are supposed to accept the complications of relationships, but not the heartbreak that comes with that?

Where is the line of what we are allowed to feel? Who gets to decide if our emotions are valid enough to acknowledge?

The second problem is that we often choose to suppress our negative emotions. We are supposed to change our sadness into gratitude, or our anger into empathy.

First of all, that doesn't work. You can fake it for a while, but those emotions will show themselves eventually. Bitterness, passive-aggressive words and actions, sabotage of oneself or others... those are the negativity leaking through. And it's subtle and insidious.

Secondly, it assumes that feeling certain emotions will lead to certain behaviors and mindsets. Anger isn't the problem. Punching a stranger in the face is the problem. Sorrow isn't the problem. Railroading every situation and conversation for the next six months to talk about how your ex was your soulmate and you can't live without him or her - that's the problem.

The third problem is that the mindset that you can just decide not to feel a certain way is extremely contextual and, in many ways, inaccurate.

This means that there are assumptions made about those feelings and the situation that caused them in the very statements that say things like "your anger will hurt you more than it hurts them."

Except, why are you angry? Was someone you care about hurt by someone else? Are you angry over injustice? Those are pretty legitimate reasons to be angry.

You can watch a funny movie after a bad breakup - and you will probably laugh during the movie. You may even feel better about it. But the humor of Hollywood won't take away the knowledge of what has been lost.

Emotions don't happen in a void. You don't just be sad. There is always a reason. People get angry or sad or hurt or possessive for many reasons. The emotions themselves won't change. They can't.

The assumption that we can control and change our emotions is a myth based on the fact that we can temporarily feel differently with certain behaviors. But it is still a myth.

If you feel sad over the death of a loved one, that sadness never goes away. Once you process the grief, your mind can move on. It returns, more often at first, then less as time goes by.

But anyone who has lost someone close will tell you that there is still a pang of grief when you realize it's their birthday, or the anniversary of their death. The emotion never changes, you just don't focus on it as much.

Unless you grieve appropriately, you will still feel it come back at times. Even if you *do* grieve appropriately, you will have feelings returning. Grieving lets you process the situation more deeply, more often. Essentially, you are allowing the focus on that feeling to wear itself out.

But the feeling doesn't go away. It can't. The reason for the feeling is still there.

And therein lies the core of the issue.

We can't control our emotional state because it is an indication of what is happening to us.

"Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change." Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project.

In a healthy, spiritual life, negative emotions are great big indicators or how we are doing. Sadness tells us we've lost something, even if it's just a potential of something. Guilt indicates that we've violated our own code of conduct - it is the emotion of honor. Loneliness indicates we need to establish more meaningful social connections.

Anger, says psychotherapist Robert Augustus Masters in "Spiritual Bypassing", is “the primary emotional state that functions to uphold our boundaries.”

Fear is about acknowledging possible threats, whether physical or emotional. It's okay to understand that there are things that can happen. Dwelling on remote possibilities may not help us, but healthy fear can tell us when there is a real danger.

Jealousy and envy are horribly maligned emotions, but they tell us the most about our spiritual path.
Jealousy tells us what we are most connected to, for better or worse. If we are jealous over a person, we may have an unhealthy connection. Or that person may be a lifeline that provides something we should work on for ourselves.

Envy shows us what our desires are. We become envious of our friend's new job, but that may simply indicate that we would like to find work that is equally fulfilling to us as their job is to them. We become envious of a new relationship, but we don't necessarily want the person they have - rather we desire the support and connection they seem to have with them.

The best way we can progress on our spiritual path is to receive all of the messages that we are sent. We acknowledge "signs" and "omens", and interpret dreams, but we ignore the powerful, motivating force of what our negative emotions are telling us. They may be the best insight we will ever have, so don't suppress them. Let them tell you what's going on.