Summary of a Workshop: The Intersection of Magic and Consent

 I gave a workshop (three actually) at the 2015 Heartland Pagan Festival. It was a great experience, and eye-opening in many ways. I formatted my workshops as discussions (yes, all of them), and each of them went in a different direction than I had predicted. But it was wonderful!

I am attempting here to summarize, with a bit of additional commentary, what the discussion ended up being for my workshop: The Intersection of Magic and Consent. Feel free to use the questions posed here for your journaling, or respond to specific questions in the comments below.


I'd like to start by being specific about the purpose of this workshop. I don't believe that the Pagan community has finished the discussion about consent in regards to magic and energy work. I'm not here to say whether some things are right or wrong. I'd much rather talk about the things that should be considered.

There are a few ways in which magic and energy can conflict with a person's consent. I'd like to open the discussion with a question: how many of you have had a situation where someone did a spell or energy work on you or for you, and that made you feel like there was some violation of your body or energy, or that your voice was ignored?

There is one type of energy work that I believe always requires consent. That is any type that requires an invasion of body space. If there is touching involved, does the intent of the magic trump the person's right to not be touched?

I don't think it does, simply because it isn't just an energy work at that point. We see a lot of people in the community who violate body space without asking simply because they are "healers". What ways have you seen this happen? How do you deal with this invasion of body?

Now I'd like to get really deep into this. I want you to think for a moment of a time when you may have done this to someone else. I want you to think about why you felt that it was okay, since I'm assuming you never intended to overstep.

What are your perceptions of this? How does this perspective change how you feel about people who might overstep boundaries with you? How does it change how you might approach them about this?

As a parent, I have (and still do) often use a variety of energy work on my children. I used calming energies on them as infants and toddlers, and I use healing energy on them when they are sick or injured. I do the same with my husband. I don't often specifically ask for their permission in doing this, it is just a part of other care-taking activities, such as holding/hugging, applying creams and medicines, etc.

How does this fall into the magic and consent ideology? Do you have a line about who these things can be done to? Or what types of energy you will use on people?

The most interesting thing about this topic is that it resists being a black&white issue. It is an ethical discussion with many shades and variations. The best way to explore this topic is to discuss the various beliefs and lines-in-the-sand, without being judgmental.

I will leave you with a final word: If someone specifically places a boundary for the use of magic or energy work on them, do not ignore their wishes. Refusing to allow someone energetic-body autonomy is a true violation of consent.

A Grand Adventure: Children's publishing

I have a new blog dedicated specifically to Pagan children, Pagan parenting, and Pagan children's books.

I will cross-post a lot, but not everything, so follow both blogs to get your full KaliMa fix.

Check it out here!


Growing Paganism

Tragedy and gun control

I love freedom. I love the freedom to get online and buy cheese made in Australia, or fruits that only grow in Indonesia. I hate that I can no longer get cigarettes that taste like chocolate or vanilla.

I love freedom.

Children being guided from their
school in Sandy Hook, CT, after
a shooting that killed 21 kids

But I hate what people are willing to do with their freedom. I want cheese and flavored cigarettes. But some people want to lash out their rage, and they lash it out on children. Whether those children are the direct victims, such as during the recent tragedy in Sandy Hook, CT, or the sons and daughters of the victims, as happened earlier the same week with a shooting at a shopping mall in Oregon, children are the victims.

Outside the Aurora theater shooting

One of the victims of the shooting in Oregon had a step-son, 13, who suggested that the reason she was shopping that day was for a gift for him, a gift he had requested. Is it right that a 13 year-old be burdened with that guilt? What about the survivors of the school shooting? Survivor's guilt is extremely common in mass shootings.

As a mother of two, you can't convince me that the kids near to each of these victims isn't riddled with guilt. My son, a cancer, cries if he even THINKS that something he did MIGHT result in someone's death or harm.

Now the debate is, already, turning towards gun control.

I have a very middle-of-the-road view of gun control. Living in rural Nebraska, guns are a way of life around here. It isn't "do you own a gun?" It's "how many guns do you have?"

We hunt a lot out here. I like the idea of DH and the kids learning to hunt. I learned to hunt and I regret not having more experience with that. I like the independence of bringing home food.

We also believe in protecting our own. Our friends, family, home and land - these things can and will be defended with a bullet, if necessary. But this can be done with the same rifle or shotgun used to hunt large game.

However, I don't agree much with handguns or assault rifles. I can understand handguns to an extent - in the city, you don't often defend your home and body with a four or five foot long rifle- but anything that has "automatic" or "semi-automatic" in the description is a little much for me. Essentially, hunting animals, good; killing people, bad.

The problem I have is this: the more that guns are available, the greater the need to defend oneself from guns. So then you have to have a gun, also. But that means that someone out there might perceive your gun as the threat and get one of their own. It's a psychological arms race, right here in America.

Some of the more recent shooters

Now, I have heard, and I understand, the idea of the 2nd Amendment and a militia. But a militia is a trained and organized group. Random people walking around with multiple high-powered handguns is not a militia, and never will be. And let me be perfectly clear, I do not believe in gun control that eliminates ALL gun ownership. Nor do I believe that any such law is even on the radar for any governmental agent or agency in the United States.

That said, this whole problem comes down to two things.

One, each person who owns or deals with guns needs to take responsibility for themselves. If you go out and "rid the world" of someone who you don't like, you have justified your actions to yourself, but not everyone may agree with you. Even worse is when someone else's justification results in the death of someone close to you, or someone like you, racially or religiously, physically or philosophically.

Take responsibility for what you do with the freedoms that you have, because freedoms can be abused, and no one believes that they are the ones abusing them.

Two, we need to work more towards solving the problem of violence that this country has. I don't mean locking more people up. That only results in more violent violence.

We need to start addressing the economic, social, and even psychological problems that lead to violence. The people who have committed these crimes have a reason for it. That reason may be dramatic or illogical to you or me, but they are valid to the perpetrator, and that's why people are dead.

Love is the cure

Some of the causes of violent crimes, just off the top of my Psychology-minor head, include: mental illness or depression, poverty, a feeling of hopelessness or bullying, a feeling of frustration or revenge, unfulfilled sense of entitlement, fear of the way the world is changing. There are so many more.

These are the problems that need fixing. The isolation that so many of us feel, the pressure to be more and more successful in the face of rising inequality, the hopelessness that many of us have in trying to better ourselves with a rising wage gap and higher costs of living and education.

Every little bit helps. Even a smile could be the difference in someone's life, and you would probably never even know it.



Related links:
Mother Jones - A Guide to Mass Shootings in America
A Timeline Of Mass Shootings In The US Since Columbine
Eleven facts about guns and mass shootings in the United States

A Question of Sustainability

Are we on an unsustainable path?

The short answer is, “Yes.” We cannot continue to do what we are doing throughout the world. Sadly, this seems to be most extreme where I live: the United States.

There are so many things that people do, particularly in the States, that contribute to this wrong path. This includes the extreme resistance people have here towards anything that smacks of socialism. Unfortunately, socialism is often about combined effort for greater good. The U.S. has acted poorly on the Monsanto issue, the Gulf oil spill and all that goes with it, the Keystone XL pipeline, and so much more.

Additionally, the U.S. missed the opportunity some 25 years ago to push forward the relatively new technologies for solar energy collection (I’m mostly referring to President Carter’s installation of solar panels on the White House, which I believe could have set the stage for a different governmental attitude towards energy, had Reagan not been elected).

The U.S. cemented it’s stance of denial with the Kyoto Protocol. This constant elevation of capitalism (making money) over the future of humanity on this planet has turned the U.S. into something that I believe will lead to the U.S. becoming irrelevant to the world stage as anything other than a military force (if we aren’t already). We are seeing the start of this irrelevance as other countries take steps that the U.S. should have taken a long time ago. As Germany takes a lead in environmental policy, as Amsterdam initiates a public bike sharing program in the 1960s, as India takes a stand against Monsanto's lies.

This leads me to the long answer, which is “Yes, but that isn’t something that we can’t change.” As the Turkish proverb goes “No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back.”

It is never too late. The point of no return is the destruction of the planet (in regards to human life). Anything else can be fixed, or at least mitigated. We can change, and we can change now. The only thing we need to decide is, how much worse will we make it before we make it better? And when will you (the individual) begin to participate?

Each one of us can do even a small part, because those small parts, those tiny changes are magnified by the sheer numbers of the human population. If the populations of industrialized nations alone work towards sustainable living, participating in creating and supporting renewable energy resources, recycling programs, and personal resource conservation, we would see a huge change worldwide. Each of us has the power. The power to choose:

• to use cloth bags for shopping
• to use non-chemical cleaners
• to foster native plant systems on our properties
• to grow a garden
• to bike when possible
• to protest and educate people on chemicals and GMO foods
• to support those politicians and activists who take up these causes
• to raise our children with this knowledge and the mindset that we can make the difference

When the Economy is the Grinch that Stole Yule, Take a Lesson from Whoville

This year, as with the last few years, the holiday season is tainted with the depressing and hard-to-fix problem of economics. There isn't the money to buy the presents. There isn't the money to spring for the trips to see other family. There isn't the money for the holiday feasting. There just isn't the money...

Now my family does not do materialism very well, but we exchange a few gifts. Some people have spending limits this year of just $150-300. We stay around $25-50 no matter what. But this year, even $25 seems to be in short supply.

We scrimp and save. I gave up on a "big" gift from my parents so that Stormie could get the gift he wanted (a gun, to hunt... meat - which will theoretically help us save on buying groceries). My gift ideas for my immediate family has been completely practical - a winter coat for myself, pajamas for Bug, pants for Ladybug.

I shop for deals and cover my eyes before clicking the "order" button, just because I'm not sure we can afford it. I collect Swagbucks to earn gift cards to offset - partially or completely - the cost of shopping. We buy only one or two holiday decorations each year - and pack everything away carefully for the years to come. We are going to make our gingerbread house from scratch rather than buy a kit (that doesn't taste good anyways).

Some of our holiday traditions this year include (or have included): putting up and decorating the Yule tree together, burning a Yule Log candle when we eat our Yuletide feast, discussing our DYGs (Dark of the Year Goals - see my blogs on the Dark of the Year)...

The thing is, and I have discussed this with many people over the past weeks, that the most memorable holiday traditions are often the ones with little or no cost. All kids remember the times they played games all night with their family, the drives around town looking at the lights and decorations, making cookies and crafts together. Kids don't remember what they got for presents six months later. They remember the time they spent together with family. It's all about the togetherness. It's all about the love.

To this end, I've decided to not stress about presents (after all, Gramma & Grampa will certainly buy more than we have room for), not stress about parties (school parties only last an hour anyways), not stress about travel (we'll get there when we get there - why add the pressure of holiday-time travel?), not stress about what anyone, outside of me and Stormie and Bug and Ladybug, thinks of whether we are celebrating "enough" or "appropriately".

Who cares about how much money I spend on the holidays, except the giant corporations with one eye on the bottom line and their hands reaching for my bank account? Oh, and my overly money-conscious brother, but I don't care what he cares about anyways.

Speaking of Who's, I have a holiday playlist (I *LOVE* Christmas songs) that has the song of the Who's. You know, the one they sing on Christmas morning, even after the Grinch stole all the STUFF and thought that would stop the celebration from coming. Then the Who's sing anyways, saying "Christmas day is in our grasp, So long as we have hands to clasp" and "Christmas day will always be, Just so long as we have we". The singing swells the Grinch's heart destroying the grumpiness of that grump and inspiring him to become heroic and generous.

I think the way things are going, the economy's oh-so-slow recovery, the protests over corporate and government corruption, the overt, peer-pressure MATERIALISM of the holiday season, we are all in danger of becoming a Grinch, or of letting the Grinch-economy steal our holiday. But we can embrace the Who's song and declare that this holiday is about celebrating US, celebrating FAMILY, celebrating people, not STUFF.

We have hands of friends and family to hold. We have us and all the happiness that "us" can be. Pull out all the stops this holiday season and concentrate on FUN and FAMILY. The corporate bottom-line will return Christmas once it sees that we don't need the "Who pudding and rare Who roast beast" or the noise-making toys and bleepity-bling.

"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!"

"And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!"
 
"Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart, and hand in hand."

Lyrics to Welcome Christmas:
Welcome Christmas come this way
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day
Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus
Welcome, welcome dahoo damus
Christmas day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas bring your cheer
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome all Whos far and near
Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
Christmas day will always be
Just so long as we have we
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas bring your light
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day
Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome welcome Christmas Day...
Welcome, welcome X-mas day....

Warlock: To Be or Not To Be

“Some men who are Wiccans are reclaiming the name “Warlock” in the tradition of women reclaiming the name “Witch”. Warlock is commonly said to mean oath breaker. What do you think? Can it/should it be reclaimed?” - Pagan Blog Prompts

Cute, but evil... right?

 Wow, what a topic. I decided to weigh in on this mostly because of how solid my answer is, though it is usually mitigated by the "politics" of other people's beliefs.

To me, the answer is simple: use whatever you want to; just don't complain about it when you have to explain YOUR meaning to everyone and their dog.

There are many people, particularly Pagans/Wiccans, who have this firm idea that certain words mean just one thing. This, I understand, to a point. Using just the right word for the meaning you wish to convey is a practice I fully participate in.

Whatever you do, don't
call him a "wanker"...
seriously, do you SEE
the gun?!?

The issue I have is when this is taken to the point where words are not allowed to evolve. I speak English, a language that wouldn't exist without the evolution of words, by co-opting words from other languages, stringing multiple languages together (which is pretty much how English originated), or using words that mean one thing and using them to mean another (fat/phat, anyone?).

We use phrases and words in ways that, literally, make no sense. We get used to slang from one generation and invent new slang for the next one. Even someone from the early 1900s would have a difficult time understanding us today. The deviation of the English language in America vs. Britain is practically a one-liner joke... to both sides of the Atlantic.

I am woma-an, hear me roar!

We have "reclaimed" words throughout civil evolution, including the feminist sisters: "witch" and "bitch." Why shouldn't we reclaim warlock?

If words have power, their power is in the meaning and imagery that the word invokes. This is why words can cut you down or build you up. Why "\ˈī\ \ˈləv\ \ˈyü\" can heal all wounds, rather than being a string of less-then-random syllables. When we talk about "reclaiming" words, we are talking about CHANGING the meaning and imagery, the POWER, of those syllables that make the word in question.

"I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." Mother Teresa 

If words have power, wouldn't the most powerful thing we can do be to change the meaning, the power of words to something better?

The old meaning for "witch"...

The new meaning for "witch"...

Spartan Family: Too Much Fun!

This looks uncannily familiar...
Like... Bug's room...

 We live in a small house. It is a 3 BR/1 bath on a large plot (about 3/4 acre). But it is a small house.

There are four of us in this small house. Each of us has a place to sleep and (more or less) a place for our stuff.

Stuff. (Insert sigh here.) Lots of stuff.


We have clothes, books, toys, appliances, work & craft stuff. We have a lot of stuff, and it all needs to go somewhere to avoid the Clutter Monster! (Insert dramatic music here.)

The Clutter Monster Under the Bed...
aka, dust bunnies and toys.

In an ideal world, I would be in a position, both locationally and financially, to hire an organizer. Organizers are those mythical, other-worldly creatures that LIKE to clean other people's houses. They get a thrill from neatly placing toys onto shelves and arranging knickknacks and bric-a-bracks. Weirdos.

See! He wants to eat my COOKIES!!

But I want one, even for a weekend. And she (or he) would do battle with the evil Clutter Monster and tame my household into a nice, neat living space... even for a week... or a day. She would be my super-hero for EVER.

Doing battle with the Clutter Monster
is not for the weak-of-heart.

The biggest problem in my house (and the houses of many a parent) is the grandparents.

No, they don't sneak into the house in the middle of the night and throw keggers, nor do they toss things about with wild abandon. In fact, my parents almost never step into the house these days (perhaps in fear of the Clutter Monster - I'm telling you, it's real!).

My parents instead sabotage my plans for clutter-free existence by... wait for it... BUYING my kids stuff. They love to love my kids as though they were little Madonnas singing "Material Girl" (or boy, as the case may be).

Show thine affection to the almighty child through purchasing power! Shower gifts of cheap plastic and/or sugar upon them at all times! Praise them with thy credit cards!

Ok, that may have been a little over-the-top. Maybe.

But, in a sense, it is very true. My parents show how much they love my kids through tokens of affection. And, particularly at their current ages, price is no matter. Cheap stuff works as well as anything else.

But Kalisara, you say, how does one combat this great evil?
That's easy, I respond, sagely. You wade into battle using threats. And, keep in mind, the small victories are worth it.

My parents bought riding toys when I was living in a 2nd story, 2BR apartment. I told them they would have to keep the riding toys at their house, or I would have to throw them away. They bought Bug another pair of sandals. I told Bug to leave them at Grandma's or he would have to throw his other pair away.

Chi Monsters eat clutter!

I'm evil like that, but it works. Establish the fact that you have no room for stuff, then viciously throw out anything that threatens your sacred space balance.

And remember, chi doesn't like clutter either.

Pagan Parenting: The personality effect

Another piece done about three years ago:

Little adults? Not so much...

Many parenting techniques seem to focus on getting children to behave the way that adults want them to behave. This does not often take into account the child's development or the child's personality. Child development works with the biological development of the brain, and emphasizes how the brain can and cannot perform at a certain age. Developmental psychology and attachment parenting are good places to start in learning about this aspect.

Today, however, I am focusing on the aspects of the child's personality, which can be broken into two segments: astrological/elemental and past life carry-over.

By taking into account your child's astrological and elemental aspects, you take into account the foundations of your child's personality. By understanding what motivates your child's behavior, you can encourage positive behavior and discourage negative behavior. (I will be talking in the more general elemental aspects regarding astrology; that is, fire = ares, leo & sagitarius, earth = taurus, virgo & capricorn, air = gemini, libra & aquarius, and water = cancer, scorpio & pisces.)

I am Scorpio... FEAR ME!!

For example, air children will want more explanations, appealing to their logic, while water signs have more emotional motivations. So you would tell an air sign that they should pick up their toys so they can find things more easily, but water signs will pick up their toys to make mom and dad happy. Any basic astrology book or website will give you insight into your child's sun sign motivations, but I recommend finding out the rising/ascendent sign and reading up on that as well. The sun and rising signs will be the most important ones in understanding how your child "works." The moon sign, meanwhile, will help you understand the emotional reactions of your child. Needless to say, the more in depth you go with your child's natal chart, the better you will understand your unique little pagan.

The second aspect of personality that I am addressing today is the past life carry-over. This is the emotional memories that every person brings with them into their new lives. Anything you learn about your child's past lives will help unravel the mystery of his or her mind. By doing this, you can help your child get through the obsticles of past-life "baggage" and support them in discovering their purpose in this life. This will help make the child's life more complete and fulfilling.

The Doctor is In... You Will Be Assimilated

A pox on BOTH your chickens!

Vaccines are a tough topic. I have learned what I can about the situation and I'm still not sure. In fact, my deciding factor was the state law that requires children to be up-to-date on vaccinations. I have a personal issue regarding the chicken pox vaccine, but that's a whole different blog post.

When I saw this article, I was interested. Is this where we have come to in the medical industry? Is this a place we should be?

Given all the discussion on a centralized healthcare, I couldn't help but consider this: If they did centralize healthcare, would they be able to say what kinds of medical treatments were required? Could they literally take my choices away from me? And how far would that go?

That's right! You LISTEN when I TALK to you!
And don't EVEN give me that look...

Now, to be clear on a few things:

• I support centralized healthcare because I think that all people deserve to have access to what they need to live a reasonably healthy life.
• I chose my current healthcare provider because he listens to me. He gives me information but I make the choices about my own and my family's treatment.
• I don't think that the whole public school system concept was built on imposing what many people (including medical professionals) consider to be a controversial topic.

I mean, really! What if pediatricians announced that they would drop any patient that chose to breastfeed their baby "too long," or chose to utilize a family bed? I've heard of pediatricians becoming antagonistic and hostile over the parents' choice to circumcise or not.

That's right...
Me & this chicken are gonna box... er, POX!

Whatever happened to doctors providing advice and care and leaving the choices to the people? Why do doctors, and by extension the government, feel the need to hold my hand when I cross the street?

I am an adult. An intelligent, learn'ed adult. I can make an intelligent, thought-out decision for myself and my children. If I have a problem with the chicken pox vaccine, that's between me and the vaccine... The doctor can advise me and then get out of the way.

Big Brother is Watching You, and He's got a SCALE!

It is the nightmare of every parent: Someone, somewhere, thinks you aren't a good enough parent to your children; and they have the authority to take them away from you.

It was kinda like this;
I should have called "Clean House"!

I ran into this issue myself several years ago when, as a single parent of a mobile toddler, CPS was called because my house wasn't clean enough. I had stacks of books and piles of toys, loads of (clean) laundry, and empty cardboard boxes that needed taken out. Nothing that would scream "FILTH!", but it definitely shouted "CLUTTER!" Fortunately for me, the police officer was rather understanding about it... and the situation gave me the "freedom" to take a sick day and clean up. After all, POLICE were involved.

A recent news story has caught my eye: Should parents lose custody of super obese kids? Really? I must read this.

People seem to think that having
food like this available for pennies
could not possibly contribute to
the obesity crisis... Hmmm.

It turns out a doctor has decided that people who have too little money, education, or physical health/ability to help their kids stay at a "good" weight should lose their children to foster care until a healthy weight is achieved.


Now, I've been a non-healthy weight for 20+ years, so: Mom, sorry; I think this means you suck at parenting. (Note: this is sarcasm; Mom, do NOT take this as anything but a joke.)


Oh, wait a second. My parents are average American parents. My brother doesn't have a weight problem (unless you count his struggles to get to the gym for several hours EVERY DAY; he may be an addict). My parents are a little overweight themselves and are prone to the Weight Watchers yo-yo (on again, off again). So would they even fall under this condition?


If so, based on the obesity crisis, every non-anorexic child in America may end up in the foster care system. What a way to spend our tax dollars - playing musical children... That doesn't EVEN touch on my oh-so-high opinion of the way our foster care system is run (rampent abuse of the system, the children, the social workers, the parents - EVERYONE gets screwed on that one).

Water-soup again, kids...

But if not, doesn't that mean that this is an issue directed at poverty-level families? Which means it is almost a racial issue, definitely a healthcare issue, and possibly an issue that will be exacerbated by the political leanings of the current teabagging idjits that are delaying the debt issue right now? And if the cuts they make exacerbate this problem, and more people end up falling into this category, wouldn't that mean a HUGE burden on the foster care system (already overburdened) and on our already-stretched-too-thin tax dollars?

Wait! Kids can GROW things?!?!?
Whoa...

Maybe it would just be cheaper/easier to fix the dietary crapolla that is the school lunch system. I'm a big fan of the school garden concept; teach kids to grow and then prepare FRESH HEALTHY foods, for pennies.

Just my two pennies...

Pagan Parenting: Spiritual Responsibility

 This is a piece I wrote three years ago for a newsletter:

Don't bug me, I'm reading the
"newspaper"!

On the surface there doesn't seem to be much of a difference between parenting and pagan parenting. However, pagan parenting, like all spiritual-based parenting techniques, takes into account a larger picture than most parenting styles encompass. Pagan parenting or spiritual parenting takes into account the effects of, and on, the soul.

As I write this, I am reminded of two things. The first is my son's behavior this morning. He's two now, so you can imagine how much FUN he can be, and by fun I mean a royal pain. He doesn't like to leave in the morning, so getting to work on time (or even close to it) is virtually impossible. He's also getting potty trained right now, so I get to spend a lot of time cleaning up messes.

The thing is, I'm always getting advice from my own parents, often accompanied by information that I know is unsafe or a negative influence. If I say so, the response is something like "we did this and you're still alive". Okay, but I don't want my son to just survive, I want him to thrive! Big difference in result, not much difference in effort.

The second thing I'm reminded of is my decision. As a single mother, I had to think (for a whole five seconds) about whether to continue down the path of motherhood. I never wanted to be a parent, but when it happened, well, it was destined to be. But I refused to enter into this adventure lightly. I spent hours and hours thinking about my responsibilities to this new life I had created.

One of the big things I pondered was that I was making the choice, not my son. That makes his life my responsibility, that makes his growth and development my burden, or purpose. How he turns out is a direct result of how I embark on this journey. His soul is as much mine to care for as is his body. Talk about stress!

Yeah, I had some doubts as to whether I could handle that kind of responsibility. But I had an advantage over my own and many other parents - I know what my purpose, my responsibility, to my son includes. Heck, I even have a vague idea of how I can live up to this responsibility.

Internet research...
become an expert on ANYTHING!

So, I spent the next 10 months (yeah, he was twice-baked) doing research. Number one subject was child development information. In other words, if I expect certain behavior from my son, is it age-appropriate, or will I just end up punishing him for behaving the way he is built to behave?

Seems like a no-big-deal kind of thing, right? Well, what happens when someone tells you that you are too loud, too happy, too shy, etc.? Aren't they punishing you for being you? Is that fair of them? How does it make you feel? Wouldn't it be nice if they just accepted you for you? Don't your children deserve the same?

Number two subject was psychological development, beyond the norm. It's called trans-personal psychology. It explains what the difference is between being functional in life and being one of the greats. If I can help my child achieve that level of self-confidence and generosity of heart, why wouldn't I?

Number three subject was more of an introspection. Taking all of the information that I had learned, I applied it to my own beliefs on spirituality.Then I had to try to figure out how to pass on my beliefs to my son while keeping the spirit of his psychological and mental development. Fortunately, they mesh well together into a single concept: RESPECT.

So, I'm on my journey, teaching my son to respect others, respect the earth, and respect the devine as an individual and within others. Meanwhile, I am also teaching him to respect himself (a hallmark of a healthy self-esteem) by respecting him from birth.

This doesn't mean that he gets away with everything or runs the show. But I do listen to him and explain to him (in age-appropriate language and concepts) why he doesn't get his way. I also keep in mind that he deserves to be treated with a certain amount of honor, as well as respect. I wouldn't spank my friend, or even an unliked co-worker, for doing something "wrong", so why would I spank my son? I teach him that we use towels and cloth diapers so we don't have so much trash. I explain to him that daycare is where he needs to go so that I can go to work (and I HAVE to go to work!).

These are some of my choices. I recommend that each parent or parent-to-be get educated on different parenting techniques. There are so many good ideas in virtually all parenting styles. And the more you know about how things can be done, the better you can decide what should be done. And really, that's the only thing a parent really can do.

To Mock a Killed Bird: What's Going On?

Protect the children,
THAT is the Law.

With all the crapolla going on in the news (mothers killing their children, little boys being shot by their father-figures), you would think that my disgust-reactions would be pointed steadily outward, towards the great big evil scary world. But no...

The other day, I was horrified by the behavior of children under my own supervision.

I watch a couple of boys for one of my co-workers. It works out fine for us, since they bracket my son by age and therefore all keep each other out of my hair for the most part. Having them is very little extra work to help out a fellow parent in need.

Ugly, yes; but hardly a
threat to humanity...

Then they got excited about a bird.

A small bird, just barely too young to fly, had fallen out of the nest in the spruce tree in the backyard where the boys were playing. They very excitedly came in and told me all about it. I told them, great, but don't touch it.

About ten minutes later, the boys straggled in with a tale of horror straight out of Poe's Collected Works. The oldest (not my son) had taken the toy bubble-mower and used it to kill the bird, spilling it's little birdy-guts all over the sidewalk. (Sidenote: EW!)

Exhibit A: the murder weapon.

I couldn't believe my ears. They were excited to see what was inside the bird; and while I can appreciate such love of knowledge, I had to make it clear that their methods were closer to that of Dr. Mengle and not something that I could approve of or condone.

Now, being a follower of Kali and a carnivore to boot, I understand and appreciate the cycle of life and death, as well as the necessity of killing for food and safety.

But this was neither and kind of frightening, besides. After all, serial killers and sociopaths tend to have that childhood warning sign: killing/torturing small animals. (BTW, I did a little Google-type digging and found this, this, and this on the subject.)

When kids go bad... it's never pretty!

Now, having dealt with the situation as best as I could (I think I did fairly well, making it clear how I felt, that such behavior was not acceptable, but not calling them "bad") and looking back at it, it's more frustrating then anything else.

I am trying to teach my children the (sometimes conflicting) duel morality of compassion and natural death cycles. It's easy to say that all killing is wrong, but I don't believe that. I will kill to protect my family, through safety or food.

So I have to figure out how to get my children to understand the qualifiers, not just the basic message, an understandably difficult line for them to walk. But that's what make Pagan Parents a whole 'nother breed.

Seven is Enough: A Full House doesn't give you Poker Face!

Yeah, the title is a Lady Gaga reference. And just to be clear, the main part of Gaga is GAG!

I look so cute, but I'm trouble with
a captial G-I-Z-M-O.

We have four boys tonight. Either we are taking in strays or my son is a mogwai and reproduced himself while in the bath.

Actually, we have my nephew and two other boys tonight and tomorrow. It makes for an interesting time, that's for sure. I'm not entirely convinced they will sleep tonight. They have had two injuries so far from jumping on each others' heads.

They are currently arguing over something, but I don't know or care what about. We only worry about the loud crashes and angst-y crying.

Earlier, I got three kids, myself and Stormie fed in less than an hour... Woot! I also managed to get the kitchen relatively cleaned up and the laundry changed. Stormie took the boys outside and got them to pull weeds in the garden.

The moon's phase tonight.

With all five (FIVE!) kids in bed, Stormie is snoozing on the couch and I'm watching a movie while catching up on my computer stuff. I ignore the sounds of boys being boys and consider going outside to look at the moon.

I will be up until midnight, again, and then passed out before 12:30, trying to get some quality sleep before the morning rush. But I will still take some time to ignore the desire to be a perfect mother and instead be the perfectly happy me.

The Dark Side of Parenting: Get Your Own Damn Cookies!

This morning, I was watching the news on the fallout of the Casey Anthony acquittal on the Today Show. One of the guest experts talked about how this trial touched so many because it was the "dark side" of parenting. Naturally, that caught my attention.

The dark side of parenting, in my definition, is the nasty-mean thoughts and SMALL actions that happen when parents get to the end of their rope. Like saying mean things that you would never otherwise say. Like slamming the door to the kids' bedroom so you don't have to keep looking at their whiny little faces or hearing their whiny little voices. Like plotting to duct tape them upside-down in their closets until they've gotten through puberty.

Then I thought about it. (Hey, I'm an air sign... thinking is what I do.)

There can be quite a fine line between plotting a duct tape incarceration and actually doing it. A little loss of control can have huge consequences.

Yeah, she's just the picture of
a little demon child...

But is that what really happened here? Did this little girl drive her mother out of control to the point of killing?

Maybe. But that isn't what I ever had a problem with.

Crap happens. People lose control. Accidents can lead to death and worse. That is the dark side of parenting. Well, ONE of the dark sides of parenting.

No, not THAT mama grizzly. Ack!

The other dark side of parenting is the mama grizzly. That part of you that envisions ripping a pedophile limb from limb because they glanced at your child. The part of you that would cross over into whatever afterlife there is to keep your child healthy. The part of you that would rip the throat out of anyone who threatens the life and well-being of your child. The part of you that would destroy death himself should he approach too soon.

Yeah, he got too close to my kid...
You got a problem with that?

Those are what I consider the dark side of a relatively healthy parent. Dirty dancing with other chicks while your child lies dead in the woods where you put her? Not so much.

Now, I do agree with the jury in one sense. There wasn't enough solid evidence to show that it was anything other than an accidental death. That is my opinion on the legal issue.

"Don't judge me...I heard a wake
is like, a big party!"

As for the moral issue? I say give her five years... of a slow torturous death, just for being a selfish bitch and going out partying when she should have been acknowledging the death of her child.

That's not any "dark side of parenting," that is just plain fucked up.